Let's talk about something that comes up way too often: "Not All Men." You've probably heard it—maybe even said it. But here’s the thing: “Not All Men” might sound like a fair point, but when you dig a little deeper, it's actually a big lie, a myth. So, let’s break it down and get to the heart of why this phrase is misleading at best and harmful at worst.
It misses the point entirely
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When someone says "Not All Men," they’re usually trying to defend themselves or others by saying that not all men are predators, harassers, or sexist. While that might be true, it completely sidesteps the real issue. The conversation isn't about whether every single man is guilty of these behaviors. It’s about the fact that all women, at some point, have faced sexism, harassment, or worse. Saying "Not All Men" derails a conversation that’s meant to address a real, painful, and widespread problem. It’s like hearing someone talk about their house being on fire and responding with, "Well, not all houses are on fire." It’s irrelevant and unhelpful.
It defends the status quo
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By saying "Not All Men," the implication is that the problem isn’t that big of a deal because it doesn’t involve every man. But here’s the thing: patriarchy benefits all men, even the “good” ones. It’s a system that’s designed to keep men in positions of power and privilege, often at the expense of women. Even if you’re not actively sexist, if you’re not challenging the system, you’re benefiting from it. So, when you throw out “Not All Men,” you’re essentially defending a status quo that harms women.
It ignores the reality of patriarchy
Let’s be real: the patriarchy is everywhere. It’s woven into the fabric of our society, and it affects everything—from the way we talk to the way we think. Even if not all men are directly sexist, all men benefit from a patriarchal system that puts them at an advantage. So, when you say “Not All Men,” you’re ignoring the fact that the problem isn’t just about individual men being bad—it’s about a system that supports and perpetuates gender inequality. And until we address that, the problems women face aren’t going anywhere.
It dismisses women’s experiences
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Imagine you’re opening up about a traumatic experience—something deeply personal and painful—and instead of empathy, someone responds with "Well, not all people are like that." It’s dismissive, right? That’s exactly what happens when women talk about the sexism or harassment they face and are met with "Not All Men." It shuts down the conversation and invalidates the lived experiences of countless women. The truth is, if you're a man who truly cares about women's experiences, you wouldn’t need to say "Not All Men." You’d be more focused on listening and supporting.
It's factually incorrect, period
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Here’s the kicker: statistically speaking, “Not All Men” isn’t even accurate. When you look at the numbers, the vast majority of violent crimes, especially those involving women, are committed by men. And even if you aren’t one of those men, the fact that so many men are makes it impossible to distinguish the “good guys” from the “bad guys” on sight. Women have to be cautious around all men because they don’t know who they can trust. And if that sounds harsh, it’s because it is. But that’s the reality women live with every day.
If you find yourself wanting to say "Not All Men," take a step back. Instead of getting defensive, try to listen. Acknowledge that while you might not be part of the problem, the problem is still very real and very serious. And instead of defending yourself, use that energy to be an ally! Challenge the men around you, speak up against sexism, and support the women in your life. Because at the end of the day, it’s not about whether you’re “one of the good ones.” It’s about making sure that all women are safe, respected, and heard.