Are They Jerks? Or Narcissists? There's a Difference.

Recent data from the Consumer Price Index (CPI) revealed that prices increased by 3.2 percent between February 2023 and February 2024. In terms of inflation, that’s a notable decrease from the 9.1 percent increase recorded in June 2022. However, inflation being down doesn’t necessarily mean the cost of living is getting lower. Quite the contrary–factors like income stagnation, transportation expenses, housing costs, and debt burden, among others, make living in the U.S. very expensive. In fact, The U.S. is currently the 20th most expensive country to live in according to a report from CEOWORLD Magazine.

With this in mind, it’s not surprising that Americans seem to be flocking to Latin America to retire, work, enjoy a lower cost of living, and even invest. Looking at Mexico City alone, the number of Americans who applied for residency visas or renewed them rose by 70% between 2019 and 2022, as reported by CNBC. It’s worth noting that the influx of Americans, including digital nomads, has sparked gentrification concerns among locals.

The disparity in income between Americans and locals increases tensions, leading to rising rents and displacement of native residents. While Airbnb and the Mexican government promote the city as a remote work hub, locals demand regulation to preserve their communities.

Another thing worth noting is that while Americans who relocate to Latin America in search of a more comfortable life are called “expats” (short for expatriate), Latinos who do the same by relocating to the United States are called “immigrants.” But what makes one an expat and the other an immigrant? The basic definition of expat is a person who lives outside of their native country temporarily, usually referring to workers. With this definition, it follows that any person who leaves their country to work in another for a time would be an expat.

In reality, that’s not the case and expat is usually a term that’s reserved for western white people. For Latinos, Asians, Arabs, and Africans, the term tends to be immigrant, no matter the context.

Technically speaking, there is a difference between the terms expat and immigrant. The immigrant lives permanently in another country and may seek citizenship, while the expat lives and/or works in another country. They may or may not stay indefinitely. However, the distinction isn’t made based on whether the terms are used correctly or not, the distinction is made based on social class, economic status, country of origin, and education level. The terms have become hierarchical and implicit bias is the reason why Westerners are always expats, and everyone else is an immigrant.

You could be a highly educated Latino living in the U.S. because you were sent to work there in a multinational organization, and you wouldn’t be perceived as an expat - you would be perceived as an immigrant. At best, you would be perceived as a qualified immigrant. Were you a white person, whether you’re educated or not, whether you have a high-paying job or not, there’s no doubt you would be perceived as an expat across the board. That’s how race, education level, and income are used as indicators to distinguish between people.

At the end of the day, the fact is that expats are immigrants. The real difference is that they’re leaving their country because they can. Because they want to work abroad, want to take advantage of Latin America’s lower cost of living to take the most advantage of their dollars, or simply because they want a change of scenery. Most Latin Americans and other people of color who leave their countries do so out of necessity because the alternative of staying is unsustainable for them. Whether that’s because of poverty, food insecurity, violence, political persecution, or even war, the fact is that they leave to truly seek a better life.

As of 2024, there are 20.4 million Latino immigrants living in the U.S. As for international immigrants, the count was nearly 46.2 million in 2022. While the word immigrant may carry some negative connotations due to implicit bias and systemic racism may be reserved for people of color, being an immigrant is nothing to be ashamed of. People from all over the world and from all walks of life partake in immigration. Especially now that many are embracing a more nomadic lifestyle with the rise of remote work. As such, it’s important to recognize subtly racist distinctions and call them out to prevent the prevalence of the “them versus us” narrative.

Few words are as prominent as “gratitude,” especially in the Latino community. We’re constantly reminded to be grateful for everything we have. While the practice is encouraged as a habit for improved mental health and it’s indeed important to be grateful, there are healthy limits to how grateful one should be. Enter toxic gratitude, which isn’t defined by a genuine sense of thankfulness, but by a sense of forced obligation.

There isn’t much research about toxic gratitude amongst Latinos, but culturally speaking, it’s not uncommon for both non-U.S. born and U.S. born Latinos to be discouraged from asking for what they actually deserve in the workplace, or be told not to make any waves and avoid any potential problems.

Where does the Latino gratitude problem come from and how does it negatively impact Latino social, economic, and personal progress?

The toxic gratitude problem

The difference between gratitude and toxic gratitude lies in intention. Where gratitude comes naturally, stemming from a genuine sense of thankfulness, toxic gratitude is something we force on ourselves to either suppress negative emotions or ignore real problems. For example, you’re a Latino in the corporate world and you’ve been climbing that ladder. Lately, you’ve been working yourself even further to the bone because you’re aiming for a coveted promotion.

When the time comes, the promotion goes to your white co-worker, who happens to be well-connected and hasn’t put in even half the work you have. That would make you feel all kinds of frustrated, angry, exhausted, and sad. In turn, these emotions would make you want to do something, like talking to your manager about it or even considering looking for a job in a company that will value your efforts.

Instead of feeling those emotions and potentially taking action, the voice in your head goes: “Everything happens for a reason, I should just be grateful for what I have. Thank God I even have a job.” While that’s a seemingly harmless thought, it’s a form of self-repression. Not only are you telling yourself that it’s not okay to feel how you feel, but you’re also talking yourself out of advocating for what you know you deserve.

That voice in your head has probably been nurtured by your Latino parents and grandparents, who have taught you that you have to work for what you want, but you also have to keep your head down. If you prove yourself through your work, the people in power will notice and eventually lift you up. Your work will speak for you and your time will come, so you shouldn’t complain. These are usually the values instilled in us, but are they helpful in every context? If we’re always taking things on the chin instead of standing up for ourselves when it counts, how can change ever be made?

Where does the Latino gratitude problem stem from?

One thing about adult women is that most, if not all, can report having had terrible dates, and are trying to avoid them whenever possible. More importantly, in their quest for companionship, women are simply trying to stay safe out there. Statistically speaking, men’s violence against women is the biggest threat to their safety and well-being. Looking at domestic violence stats alone, 1 in 4 women have experienced severe physical violence from an intimate partner. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1 in 3 Latinas will experience intimate partner violence in their lifetime.

Femicide is no longer an issue that mostly affects low-income communities or foreign countries, and that hasn’t been the case for over twenty years. A 2002 global study found that among 25 of the highest-income countries in the world, the United States only had 32% of the female population, yet shockingly, accounted for 70% of all female homicides that occurred in those 25 countries. In 2021, the femicide rate in the U.S. was found to be at 2.9 per 100,000 women. It’s also worth noting that the United States lacks an effective way of defining, tracking, and documenting femicide. This lack of an accurate classification in the criminal justice and public health systems is a big hurdle in getting the full scope of the femicide problem in the U.S.

On an expanded global scale, an estimated 47,000 women and girls were killed by intimate partners or family members in 2020 alone. That means one woman or girl is killed somewhere in the world every 11 minutes. In 2021, the Bureau of Justice Statistics showed that the percentage of women murdered by an intimate partner was 5 times higher than for males. Men are also victims of domestic abuse and violence but at a significantly lower rate than women.

Psychological violence is also a significant problem for women, with nearly half of all women (48.5%) in the U.S. experiencing psychological aggression from a partner in their lifetime. The statistics are objectively terrifying. However, the overwhelming majority of women don’t need to know the stats to feel unsafe; they live the stats every day of their lives.

The recent viral conversation of Man vs. Bear is an indicator of how universal the fear of men is among women. The hypothetical question posed by the pop culture account Screenshot HQ has been liked 2.2 million times and has 72 thousand comments.

When men were asked if they would rather their daughters be stuck in the woods with a man or a bear, many chose the bear as well. Why? Commentators have noted that men are unpredictable and are more likely to be a bigger threat than wild animals. Women are choosing the bears not because they think they would actually survive a bear attack but because men attack women unprovoked and for reasons that are often associated with the mere fact of just being a woman and nothing else.

The Dating Hellscape

Dating is an emotional risk for both men and women; that’s clear. For women, however, the safety risk is undeniably greater than for men. In a world where dating has largely shifted into virtual spaces where all you have to go on is a few phrases and some photos, there’s no real way to determine if a man “looks” violent at worst or is a lying manipulator at best.

When Paola Sanchez launched the group “Are We Dating the Same Guy?”, women in the millions flocked to the groups. To date, there are over 200 Facebook groups with over 4 million members worldwide. Sanchez describes the groups as “Red Flag Awareness groups around the world where women can empower each other and keep each other safe from dangerous or toxic men.”

It’s a simple premise that has resulted in significant controversy, especially as stories of leaked posts that led to harassment and even violence from the men who found out about them emerge. There are also emotional and legal issues that some women have had to contend with as a result of their posts.

While the title of the group implies that the focus is on avoiding dating the same guy who is cheating with multiple women, the focus of most conversations is actually on discussing dating experiences. Women use these spaces to share red flags, post men’s dating profiles showing the first name only and photos (doxing is prohibited), and share their stories in hopes of saving other women from bad dating experiences, falling for catfishing and lies, cheating, catching sexually transmitted diseases, or encountering potentially dangerous men. Many women have, indeed, been saved from all of these things, which is why the groups are so popular.

Ever since the AWDTSG groups entered the scene, many men have actively opposed the groups, claiming they’re toxic spaces where gossip thrives. Some of the claims have led to consequences for men in real life, such as losing relationships, being questioned by employers, and more. They have also led to consequences for women, who have been confronted by men they’ve discussed in the groups. Some have even been sued.

On one hand, critics of the groups have argued that it’s very difficult to verify what every person posts on the AWDTSG groups and that some women may have reasons to fabricate stories. Also, mental health practitioners have noted that a Facebook group likely isn’t the best space to discuss traumatic dating or relationship experiences. On the other hand, there are thousands of testimonials from members of the groups that have said the information they found saved them from unsavory experiences in the dating scene. Women have also reported cutting off men whom they were social friends with after they found out about instances of alleged abuse or misbehavior.

The Legal Battles and Outcomes

One of the men affected by the AWDTSG groups decided to sue. Stewart Lucas Murrey sued over 50 women in California for defamation, alleging sex-based discrimination and civil conspiracy. However, a judge recently dismissed the lawsuit against one of the women, Vanessa Valdez, who filed an anti-SLAPP motion arguing against censorship. Despite Murrey’s claims, the judge found no evidence of conspiracy and ruled in favor of free speech, emphasizing the importance of protecting women's security against harassment. Murrey vowed to continue his legal battle, but legal experts note the difficulty of defamation lawsuits, especially in cases involving online speech.

'Are We Dating The Same Guy' lawsuit press conferencewww.youtube.com

This isn’t the first defamation lawsuit made against women from an AWDTSG group. In Chicago, Nikko D'Ambrosio filed a lawsuit against 27 women over an allegedly defamatory post stating he sent harassing messages to women and was otherwise just a really low-quality and selfish person to date. D'Ambrosio's attorneys argued his reputation was damaged and sought intervention from Facebook and Meta. This lawsuit was eventually dismissed.

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But as reported by “Tech Dirt,” “apparently D’Ambrosio is the kind of guy who won’t take no for an answer… Even from judges. He’s apparently the kind of guy that when his number gets blocked or his case gets thrown out, he’ll just text from a different number or file a brand new case.” D’Ambrosio refiled his case to attempt to relitigate whether his status as a serial ghoster is in fact warranted.

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When an overwhelming amount of women are choosing bear over men in hypothetical woods, and groups like “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” aren’t only racking up the legal wins but also racking up their number of members, it’s a good indication that AWDTSG isn’t going anywhere. If anything, women will likely continue to band together in search of safe spaces, despite the potential risk of leaks, lawsuits, and being confronted by the men they expose.

In a world where women’s claims of harassment or abuse by men are consistently ignored, dismissed, or simply not believed, women are protecting each other, attempting to fulfill the lack of societal protections, and carrying the feminist legacy of consciousness-raising groups.

Latinas come from various backgrounds and have unique stories to tell. We encompass a rich tapestry of cultures, histories, and life experiences. Unfortunately, despite this beautiful diversity, we often face persistent stereotypes that limit and objectify us, reducing our identities to sexualized and exotic caricatures. These stereotypes have far-reaching effects on the Latina community, influencing our personal lives, careers, and overall place in society.

Sexualization and fetishization are separate but interconnected issues. Sexualization refers to the reduction of a person to their sexual attributes or capacities, essentially objectifying them. Fetishization involves objectifying a person and attributing stereotypical or fantastical traits to them based on their racial or ethnic background.

As Latinas, we frequently find ourselves confronted with a pervasive stereotype that has come to be known as the "spicy Latina." This stereotype portrays us as hypersexual, passionate, hot-blooded, loud, and intense individuals, and is often accompanied by a strong, “exotic” accent, reducing our complex identities to a superficial and sensationalized caricature. The "spicy Latina" stereotype contributes to the harmful fetishization of Latinas, as assumptions about our supposed "passion" or "fire" are used to justify and perpetuate our objectification as mere sexual objects.

The fetishization of Latinas is further exemplified by distressing statistics. In 2022, the term "latina" ranked as the 4th most searched keyword in the adult film industry. This serves as a stark reminder of how our ethnicity is reduced to a sexualized fantasy, reinforcing the objectification and devaluation we face.

This persistent sexualization and fetishization can have far-reaching implications for our personal and professional lives:

The sexualization and fetishization of Latinas have profound and wide-ranging consequences that extend into our personal lives, professional endeavors, and the broader fabric of society. To confront and address these issues, we need to actively dismantle harmful stereotypes, foster inclusivity, and create a more equitable world for not only Latinas but all marginalized communities.

A critical step is to demand media representation that defies and shatters stereotypes. We need to see Latinas depicted in diverse roles that highlight our complexity as individuals with unique stories and experiences. By challenging the narrow narratives often imposed upon us, we can promote a more authentic and nuanced understanding of Latinx identities.

Advocating for Latin American history and culture to be integrated into education is equally important. By ensuring that people learn about the real lives and rich backgrounds of Latinas, we can cultivate understanding, appreciation, and respect for our heritage.

By openly discussing the problems of sexualization and objectification, we can challenge people's attitudes and foster positive change in societal perceptions. It is through dialogue, education, and empathy that we can shift societal norms and foster a climate of respect and equality.

In the end, it's important that we empower ourselves and our fellow Latinas to speak out against stereotypes and discrimination. Creating safe and inclusive spaces where our voices are heard, acknowledged, and respected is essential for progress. Together, we can uplift one another, amplify our voices, and assert our right to be treated with dignity, respect, and equality. These fundamental principles should be extended to every individual, regardless of their background or identity.