In The Community
As of 2024, there are about 3.52 million Latine families in the United States led by single mothers. This isn't just a statistic; it’s the vivid reality of Latinas shouldering the responsibility of parenting without the active support of a co-parent figure.
Absent fatherhood in the Latino community touches everyone and contributes to cultural norms, expectations, and stereotypes.
For many, the historical passivity adopted by some generations towards absent fatherhood still resonates deeply in our cultural roots. The phrase "déjelo en manos de Dios, mija" has been passed down from generation to generation as a resigned comfort in the face of disconnected fathers. It’s the old, "boys will be boys" sentiment.
This leaves women to shoulder the burden of raising children on their own without much expectation of receiving help from the father. Latino culture often expects women to be unreasonably “strong” and capable of handling any situation that comes their way. A 2017 Census Bureau report found that 80% of all custodial parents were mothers, and of these custodial mothers, 56% of white mothers were awarded child support versus only 44% of Latinas, according to a 2016 review of child support claims.
Lower claims of child support are only one very limited way in which cultural self-sufficiency expectations manifest themselves. This can also lead to emotional isolation and extreme pressure to keep up. In the 2021 April/May issue of PARENTS LATINA, Ernestina Perez, a Mexican-American therapist and founder of Latinx Talk Therapy, stated, "There's a lot of stigma around single motherhood in the Latino community because of traditional gender norms that view men as the protectors and financial providers, and women as the selfless, do-it-all caretakers."
As culture continues to shift and outdated machista beliefs are dismantled, many different approaches to tackling absent fathers are being taken.
When fathers skip out on their financial responsibilities, it’s important that Latinas pursue a child support claim. Single moms don’t have to just grin and bear it. Latinas already face too many economic disparities, including consistently having the largest wage gap of all women, to have this add to the economic stress. In 2022, almost 30% of Latine single-mom families were struggling financially. When Latinas don’t pursue child support, it keeps fueling a poverty cycle and upholds unreasonable gender expectations.
Where are the Fathers? Why aren't they Taking Responsibility?
In the Latine community, where old-school gender roles still have a say, patriarchal culture directly influences fatherhood expectations. It’s a common experience for young women to be kept at home under strict rules while young men are allowed to go out at their pleasure, without any sexual education or warnings to abstain from, or practice safe sex.
This adds to the lack of accountability when a man does end up impregnating a young girl or woman, while shifting the burden and “blame” to the young girl or woman for not heeding the warnings of their family.
Factors like migration also contribute to the splitting of families. From harsh immigration policies that regularly deport one or both parents to inhumane border security policies that continue to separate parents from their children, women are often left as sole caregivers of separated families.
Latino men are also experiencing a positive role model crisis. There’s been a downward trend of Latino men pursuing higher education, and the Latina versus Latino education gap continues to widen. Even as the number of Latinas/os attending college has steadily grown over the last few decades, the proportional representation of Latino men continues to slide in comparison to their Latina counterparts.
The stigma around seeking mental health support is more pronounced in men versus women, and it’s even worse in the Latino community. Research indicates that Latinas are more open to seeking support than Latino men, which leaves them attempting to deal with their challenges on their own. Not to mention that Latino men are also still facing the same issues that Latinas face: discrimination, disproportionate poverty, absent fathers, and cultural norms that teach them harmful behaviors.
The disproportionate absence of fathers in the Latino community is extremely complex and nuanced. The causes mentioned are only the tip of the iceberg in terms of fully understanding the nature of the problem, but even with this superficial understanding, some solutions can be identified.
How Can We Begin to Solve the Absent Father Problem?
Raising a New Generation of Empowered Children
Latina moms have the power to shift things for the better. Teaching our kids how to challenge concepts of toxic machismo and irresponsible behaviors is an essential task. This isn’t limited to moms; on the contrary, despite there being a disproportionate amount of single moms, there’s an even bigger number of families with active fathers, and they are taking on the responsibility of raising their kids differently than how they were raised.
Breaking Down Traditional Masculinity
As gender roles continue to shift across generations, ditching the old-school view of masculinity is gaining momentum. Both women and men are actively challenging the harmful notions that femininity and masculinity are traits that are limited to certain genders. Groups like Bloom Homi, which are led by Latino men, are actively working to change the expectations of Latino men and are working to build communities of support where men can feel supported as they participate in dismantling machismo.
Meanwhile, Latina-led parenting groups like Latinx Parenting are not only providing support for moms but also building an inclusive community that actively brings Latino dads into the fold, ensuring that there’s space for everyone who wants to learn how to disrupt harmful cycles of family dysfunction.
Changing Parenting Roles Through Public Policy
It’s no secret that parental leave in the U.S. is shamefully lacking compared to other comparable nations. Only 27% of U.S. workers have access to paid parental leave, and while under FMLA, families are entitled to at least 12 weeks of parental leave, all this does is guarantee that they won’t be fired from their jobs. If they decide to take family leave, it’s unpaid, and most families can’t afford to be unemployed for three months.
Even when paid parental leave is offered, paternity leave is even less accessible than maternity leave. New dads are still expected to fulfill the “breadwinner” role, while moms are left to fulfill their childbearing and child-caring role, despite a significant amount of research confirming the many positive effects paternal newborn bonding has on both the dad and the newborn.
Changing Media Narratives About Dads
The portrayal of dads in media has a massive impact on how they are expected to behave in real life. Studies have found that there are two main ways in which dads are portrayed in media. On one hand, men are rarely portrayed as nurturers and are relegated to the hard, cold, but steadfast stereotype of protector and provider. On the other, they are shown as incompetent, foolish, and emotionally disconnected parents, where competent, wise, emotionally connected mothers must often come to the rescue of those fathers.
Latino dads are portrayed even more negatively because of the severe lack of Latino representation in the media. There are so few roles for Latino men that they haven’t even made much of a dent in fatherhood portrayals, much less changing those roles to address machismo and reflect any positive change that’s occurring in Latino culture.
Just as it is imperative to change media portrayals of Latinas in media, the same has to be done for Latino men, especially as it relates to family gender roles and dynamics.Supporting Community Spaces and Men’s Groups
No, we’re not talking about the incels who hate women and blame them for all their problems. We’re talking about the exact opposite.
Men’s groups are popping up all over the country and are a place where men and dads can swap stories, pick up tips, and have each other's backs. Like any group, they all have their own dynamic and focus, and sometimes a few have to be tried until a good match is made, but accepting these groups as part of a healthy community is critical to getting men the support they need.
Digital communities like Bloom Homie, as well as organizations like the National Compadres Network, and their Fatherhood & Family Initiative are contributing to the ecosystem that’s helping to dismantle harmful narratives and also build community amongst men who want to break harmful patriarchal cycles.
While none of these solutions will produce instant improvements, they are all things that everyone of any gender can help implement. While it may not be easy to reduce the amount of absent fathers in Latino households, research shows that it’s attainable, and that alone makes it worth pursuing.
Growing up, our mamas cared for us and kept us safe in any way they possibly could, from coming up with the strangest homemade remedies (that, of course, always worked…or did they?) to stern warnings for just about everything. Many of which we’ve carried on to adulthood, like not stepping descalzos on the floor to avoid catching a cold!
Now that we’re not kids anymore, all that got us wondering…why though? Where do these urban legends come from? And is there any scientific basis for any of it?
Here are 5 of the most commonly heard phrases Latina moms fervently believe, we put on our lab coats to figure out once and for all… are they fact or fiction?
“Te vas a torcer”
How many times did your mom tell you to cover your face when you go out from a warm place and into the cold, because if you didn’t, “te vas a torcer”? And if you dare question the validity of their statement, they always claim to know someone who’s had this happen to them. Facial paralysis is no joke, and the thought of having part of your face frozen in place from a sudden temperature change can be mortifying. But does this seemingly decades-long urban legend hold any water?
The verdict: Has some truth but no definitive causal connections.
The condition usually described is called Bell’s Palsy, described as temporary weakness or paralysis of the muscles on one side of the face, which is caused by an inflammation of the nerve that controls the muscles of the face. While the exact cause of the inflammation is still unknown, it’s believed to be related to a viral infection or an autoimmune disorder.
That being said, some studies have suggested that people who are under stress or experiencing illnesses such as upper respiratory infections may be more likely to develop Bell’s palsy. There’s also some research indicating a correlation between temperature changes and Bell’s Palsy; however, this is stll being studied, therefore not definitively clear whether the temperature changes can cause Bell’s Palsy, as research papers continue to find.
So, in this case, while the jury is still out from the scientific community, facial paralysis and temperature changes may have some relationship — We suppose it can’t hurt to listen to our mamas and cover up! It’ll also make them feel better knowing you’re taking precautions for yourself.
“Todavía está bueno”
As you take out a loaf of bread with a spot of mold growing on the corner, your mom might cut the moldy piece, throw it in the trash, and say, “todavía está bueno.” We know Latina moms will do their best to make the most out of each and every ingredient in their pantry and not let anything go to waste. But when something is starting to go bad, is it still safe to eat if you just remove the ugly part?
The verdict: Depends on the type of food item.
Generally, if the food is perishable, such as bread or dairy products, it’s best to get rid of it as the mold and the bacteria that causes it may have already spread throughout the food.
For some fruits and vegetables, if they are overripe and showing softness or brown discoloration in some spots, those areas can be cut off, and the rest of it can still be eaten. But if it has a strong odor, tastes bad, or is growing even a tiny bit of mold or rot, it’s probably best not to test the digestive gods and throw it out becuase the bacteria or mold that caused the spoilage can quickly spread through the food. Even if the rotten part is cut off, harmful microorganisms may already have spread to other parts of it and could cause food poisoning.
If the food is a hard food, such as cheese or hard salami, it can usually be safely consumed after the mold has been removed because the bacteria aren’t likely to have gone very far. But at the end of the day, it’s probably a good rule of thumb to not mess around with spoiled food.
Also, it’s a good idea to instead focus on sustainable food practices rather than trying to salvage old groceries so that you don’t end up with spoiled food to begin with.“Un bolillo para el susto”
After the 6.8 earthquake that happened on September 2022 in Mexico City, a guy made headlines for handing out pieces of bread, or “bolillos,” to people on the streets to help them relax after the awful scare (and lighten up the mood). An age-old antidote after a stressful event, what magical properties do bolillos have that make them a cure for the “susto?”
The verdict: Surprisingly true.
Eating can have a calming effect on the body after experiencing a bad scare or feeling stressed or anxious. This is because certain foods can release chemicals in the brain, such as serotonin and dopamine, that can promote feelings of relaxation and well-being.
Certain types of carbohydrates in particular, such as those found in starchy foods like pasta, bread, and potatoes, can boost the production of serotonin, a chemical that helps regulate mood and can promote feelings of calmness and relaxation. Eating a small serving of these foods can be comforting and help you feel more relaxed after a stressful event. The more you know, huh?
“Una Coca para la presión”
Some Latina moms will use Coke as a remedy for just about everything. Feeling tired? Have some coquita to lift yourself up. Your blood pressure is low? Pour yourself a glass, and you’ll feel better. Upset stomach? Mix in a little bit of limón. Is this go-to emergency cure effective, or just some placebo effect?
The verdict: True, though probably not the best advice.
It’s pretty simple, Coca-Cola and other similar caffeinated drinks may help to temporarily increase blood pressure in people with low blood pressure. Caffeine is a stimulant that can cause the body’s blood vessels to constrict, which can lead to an increase in blood pressure. So, any caffeinated drink may have the same effect: coffee, energy drinks, or tea.
Though it’s certainly not to be used often or as an actual cure, given the fact that consuming it regularly could cause many health problems, including high blood pressure, it may actually help alleviate low blood pressure symptoms like dizziness and weakness temporarily if you need a pick-me-up on the spot and don’t have immediate access to any medication.“No comas aguacate si estás enojado”
One of the more urban-legend-y ones, in some households, you were strictly warned against having a bite of avocado after a “coraje.” Why you would want to eat avocado while mad in the first place, we honestly don’t know. But what is it about avocados that would allegedly be so harmful to you if eaten while you’re upset about something?
The verdict: It’s totally false.
We could not find a single shred of evidence to support this claim, even though we were really keen on finding out where it came from. There’s nothing to suggest that eating avocado while stressed or angry would have any negative effect on your body. That being said, stress and anxiety are known to cause cramps and stomachaches for some people, so it wouldn’t be surprising if eating literally anything would just upset your stomach more. So, avocado is definitely not the culprit. Let nobody keep you away from that guacamole! Maybe wait for a bit, though.
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Archaic Holiday Family Party Questions: A Modern Latina's Guide
Let’s be real; the holiday season tends to be romanticized as a bright, joyful time full of family, food, and magic. And sure, it can be all that, but more often than not, there’s some tension, stress, and awkwardness sprinkled in.
The thing with a lot of Latino families is that they tend to unknowingly overstep boundaries. Some of us may find it hard to reinforce those boundaries or even speak up and tell our loved ones when they’ve said something hurtful. As a result, we may find ourselves sitting at the table with a nudo en la garganta that ruins the tamales we’re trying to enjoy.
Rather than wasting your precious energy explaining why asking when someone is planning to get pregnant isn’t appropriate, we gathered a few of the most intrusive and tired questions we hear every holiday season and put together some respectful responses.
There is a way to protect your boundaries while still acknowledging that your family’s beliefs and lifestyles may be different from our own.
The age-old questions about “traditional” family
“Y el novio, mija?” could very well be the most commonly asked question, especially if you’re a woman. The question might actually be well-intentioned sometimes (we’ll assume some people mean well and are not just looking for some chisme), but it is deeply rooted in machismo culture and the assumption that, first of all, you should be in a stable, heterosexual relationship because that’s what’s “normal,” is entirely inaccurate.
Second, that you should be in a long-term committed relationship by now ’cause you’re a señorita and the train is leaving the station soon is ageist, and also inaccurate These archaic assumptions then lead to the conclusion that if you haven’t yet landed that soon-to-be husband then something is wrong with you.
The emotional and mental damage that this causes really requires that you learn how to put an end to this question.
One might think if you do, in fact, have a novio, you might be spared from this torturous interrogation. But no, you might get hit with the “y para cuando la boda?” or even worse, the dreaded “para cuando el bebé?”
Childfree women are dramatically increasing because today’s world is vastly different from the world our grandparents or even our parents grew up in. About 44% of people between the ages of 18 and 49 are simply uninterested in having kids of their own. Roughly one-third of adults claim they are either unsure about marrying or do not want to marry at all. Aside from that, fertility issues are becoming more common than ever, with Latinas and other WOC showing a disproportionate amount of endocrine-disrupting chemicals in their bodies that may be harming their reproductive health.
Bottom line is we don’t need to be reminded that our biological clock is ticking. If we’re not already starting a “traditional” family, it’s probably because either we can’t or we do not want to at the time, or maybe ever. Either way, it is a deeply personal issue that should probably not be discussed over romeritos and bacalao.
A way to redirect the conversation is to instead ask them about their personal projects and interests.
The question can be answered (or ignored if you choose) with a simple “no,” then redirected with a, “So, prima, what have you been up to these days?” Or, “Have you finally taken up that new hobby we talked about last year, tía?” “How’s it going with your salsa classes, sis?”
Remember, there’s just so much more to a person than who they’re with or what their family may look like so despite that being the center of their worlds, simply and genuinely inquiring about something else in their world will often do the trick to shutting down those intrusive questions.
Aprende de tu prima
Living up to our family’s expectations is never easy, and it can certainly take a toll on those who have strayed from the “ideal” path one is expected to follow. As the eldest granddaughter, trust me, I would know.
I got hit with the “aprende de tu prima” card the second my younger cousin announced her engagement. And although it was “all in good fun,” I couldn’t help but feel a hint of shame that just didn’t belong to me; it was bestowed upon me the minute someone made the comparison between us two. “You should’ve gone first because you’re the eldest!”
It’s silly the way our family expects us to act as if we’re on a conveyor belt that takes us from school to school ’til we get a bachelor’s degree, then score a well-paid job, find true love, get married, start a family, have our offspring go through the exact same thing until eventually, we reunite with whoever sent us to this earth in the first place.
It’s just so unattainable it seems weird to even imagine comparing people based on where they’re currently at in their lives and then expecting every single person to do life exactly the same
What makes us interesting is our unique stories and what we bring to the table as individuals. So instead of comparisons, we can show appreciation and gratitude to our loved ones for what they are instead of what we expect them to be. This is perfectly ok to explain in response to this horrid question.
Ay, mija, estás embarneciendo
For the longest time, I didn’t even know what “embarneciendo” meant, just that my abuelita said it to me and my primas almost every time we got together. Eventually, I learned it meant that I was putting on some weight. To make it sound less critical, sometimes they would describe it as “healthy weight.”
In many Latino families, commenting on other people’s bodies is usually considered normal. It often starts from a very young age and might affect how we see ourselves and others throughout our whole lives. These comments might be disguised as coming from a place of concern. Still, hearing them can be very detrimental to our self-esteem and self-image, especially when we’ve been trying so hard to work on that ourselves.
Not to mention others might not be aware of the mental and physical health issues one might be facing that can manifest as weight gain or weight loss. Yep, “te ves más flaca” isn’t exactly a compliment, either, even though people might mean it as one.
Old habits die hard, and despite feeling annoyed every time you hear it, you might actually say these things too. Appearance is so ingrained in both American and Latino culture that we sometimes don’t even realize we are participating in the same behavior we dislike.
Fortunately, there are many ways we can compliment others without commenting on their weight or appearance. Bet your tía spent hours mastering a new healthy recipe. Ooh, la prima absolutely slayed her last exam. And abuela, your dichos are hilarious, tell us more!
See? That wasn’t so hard!
It’s never too late to change, and although it may seem like things have been a certain way forever, change is gradual, and we are all learning as we go. Although it may not seem like it, the mere act of speaking up about how something makes you feel can make waves and eventually help reshape the way your family interacts with one another, one Navidad at a time.