In The Community
You know how some terms turn into buzzwords but no one actually understands what they mean? Well, it happens a lot with psychological terms, especially when they relate to relationships. “Attachment style” is one of those terms and it comes up a lot in conversation. In those conversations, “secure attachment style” is often the main focus. Why? Because a securely attached person is what everyone wants to be. It translates into healthier and more stable relationships, and that’s “goals,” as they say. Do you fall into that category? Let’s find out! Here are 8 signs you have a secure attachment style:
You have healthy boundaries
People with secure attachment styles not only set healthy boundaries for themselves, but they also respect everyone else’s boundaries. If you’re like that, it means you’re comfortable saying “no” when you have to and you strive for autonomy and individuality, even if you feel like you’re part of a whole. Whether that’s a romantic relationship, friendship, or family bond, you don’t let anyone trample all over your boundaries. For Latinas, this can be particularly challenging because we’re taught to let everything slide when it comes to family members. In that environment, the importance of setting boundaries becomes clearer than ever.
You’ve built a solid social network
Someone with a secure attachment style is very successful at valuing and nurturing relationships. All kinds of relationships, not just romantic ones. That’s why they usually have solid social networks. Whether that’s 3 friends or a hundred, you enjoy your social life and can cultivate those relationships healthily. You give as much joy and support as you receive, and you don’t need incentives to show your people you care about them.
You trust the people around you
Trust is a cornerstone of secure attachment. While jealousy can be a normal part of the human experience, a securely attached person won’t get lost in it. They trust that a commitment has been made unless there’s reason to doubt the other person. And if there’s reason to doubt, securely attached people will bring it up and have a conversation about it. They also strive to build stable foundations for their relationships, whether romantic or not. It’s all about mutual trust, isn’t it?
You’re very open with your communication
Photo by KATRIN BOLOVTSOVA on Pexels
Securely attached people are very good at communicating exactly what they need, want, and feel. They’re very comfortable with that and they’re also great at creating environments where other people can do the same. If you’re like this, you understand that communication is a two-way street and you do your best to keep your line open. This openness has allowed you to nurture strong relationships and intimate bonds. Not just with romantic partners, but also with friends and family.
You show authentic vulnerability
Photo by Liza Summer on Pexels
Vulnerability requires courage, and a securely attached person isn't afraid to be open with the people they love and trust. They share their fears, insecurities, and deepest desires, creating a space for mutual honesty. This transparency leads to deeper connections and it allows everyone involved to be more supportive. If you’re like this, you’re probably called an “open book” more often than not!
You’ve dealt with your baggage
Photo by Liza Summer on Pexels
There’s no denying that we all have a past and that past often comes with baggage. We can decide to carry that baggage with us the entire time and let it affect the way we relate to others. Or we can choose to deal with that baggage; confront it, learn what we need to learn, and then leave it behind. Securely attached people have done the latter and they’ve checked their baggage at the door. If you’re this way, it means you approach relationships with a clean slate and a positive outlook. You don’t hold new people accountable for the mistakes of past friends or partners. Doesn’t that feel wonderful?
You’re reliable and provide consistent security to others
A securely attached person has a way of providing security to others. Whether it’s friends, partners, or family, people always know where you stand with them. You’re a consistent person whom people can rely on and this consistency means that they can always count on you. You can always count on them as well cause, as Latinos say, “Amor con amor se paga,” meaning “Love is paid with love.”
People feel like they can grow with you
Securely attached people are eager to grow with people. If you’re in a relationship with someone, you want to grow as an individual, but also as a couple. You see your relationship as a journey that you’re traveling together. All the ups and downs of life are just opportunities to stand by each other. The same can apply to friendships and family relationships. This desire to grow both as a person and in the context of the relationship inspires others to do the same. That’s why you make people feel like they can also be better and that’s so rewarding, isn’t it?
When people think of Latina women, the “female alpha” often comes to mind. Everyone has at least one matriarch in the family and they’re the ones who run the show. If you cross them, you’re toast. For most people, that Latina matriarch figure is their grandmother, but it can also be your mother, an aunt, the eldest sister, etc., it all depends on everyone’s family dynamics. One thing’s for certain, though, there’s been a shift in what the Latina family matriarch is supposed to represent. With that, there are many outdated attitudes and habits that need to be ditched. Here are the top 10 things Latina family matriarchs should stop doing:
Having overly controlling behaviors
Photo by Ashwin Vaswani on Unsplash
One common trait among Latina matriarchs is a tendency to be overly controlling, especially of younger women in the family. While it may come from a place of love and concern, that kind of behavior often leads to repression and the imposition of traditional gender roles. Micromanaging every aspect of someone’s life, even if you think is for the best, will only lead to resentment. It will also hold that person you love back. Guidance and advice are welcome, controlling behaviors need to stay where they belong: in the past.
Guilt-tripping and emotional manipulation
It’s not uncommon for Latina matriarchs, especially those who come from an older generation, to rely on guilt-tripping and emotional manipulation to influence family members. Unsurprisingly, this kind of tactic creates toxic dynamics and it corrodes what family is supposed to be. Family is supposed to trust each other enough to have honest conversations and to respect each other’s decisions. Imposing one’s will through manipulation is simply not the right way to do things, and it never was.
Imposing unrealistic expectations onto others
Photo by RDNE Stock project on Pexels
Latina matriarchs often want family members to achieve their full potential. While that’s all fine and good, there’s such a thing as setting excessively high expectations. It’s a burden that can be unbearable for family members and create unnecessary stress for them. Matriarchs should encourage their loved ones to set realistic goals that align with what they want. They should also celebrate whatever progress they make with them instead of expecting perfection.
Neglecting their own self-care
Photo by Anna Shvets on Pexels
The thing about Latina matriarchs is that everything they do is a reflection of how they were raised. In most cases, matriarchs were raised to prioritize everyone else above themselves. This is the legacy of marianismo and it’s one we should all strive to break away from. Matriarchs need to learn to prioritize themselves for a chance; not just physically, but also mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. They don’t have to sacrifice themselves to support their families, they just need to stand beside them.
Suppressing individuality and independence
Photo by Tiger Lily on Pexels
Whether they’re consciously aware of it or not, Latina matriarchs often focus on perpetuating traditional gender roles. One of the ways they do that is by discouraging family members, especially women, from expressing their individuality and independence. Matriarchs often have a very clear idea (rooted in machismo and marianismo) of what men and women should look and act like, but they must get with the times. Traditional gender roles are no longer the norm and encouraging everyone to embrace their uniqueness is a more effective way of helping raise assertive, confident people.
Encouraging unhealthy competition among family members
Photo by Polina Zimmerman on Pexels
Latina family matriarchs often create an atmosphere of competition among family members. In their position of authority, they know that their approval and praise is a strong motivator. However, favoritism only breeds unnecessary resentment and it sours relationships among family members. Is that really worth it? Instead of encouraging unhealthy competition, promoting cooperation, collaboration, and mutual support is much more helpful.
Avoiding difficult conversations
Photo by Tiger Lily on Pexels
One thing about Latina family matriarchs is that they can be masters at avoiding difficult conversations. Especially when they know they’re in the wrong, but they don’t want to admit defeat. “Because I say so” is not a valid argument and it never has been. It has lost its power, so Latina matriarchs need to learn how to cultivate open lines of communication. Working past the discomfort of honest conversations will always be worth the effort.
Bulldozing over everyone else’s boundaries
Sometimes, it’s a struggle for Latina family matriarchs not to trample all over people’s boundaries. Again, it’s the issue of wanting to impose their will because they think they’re right or they think that’s what’s best for the other person, no matter what that person thinks or wants. As families, it’s important for everyone to not just set their own boundaries, but also respect everyone else’s. It’s the only way to create healthy relationships and matriarchs are not the exception.
Using shame or criticism as discipline
Photo by Tiger Lily on Pexels
Latina family matriarchs can be quite harsh sometimes because they have a rough idea of what discipline should be. Often, they turn to harsh criticism or shaming to get a message across, and that’s just not good for anyone. On the one hand, it can damage the self-esteem of the other person. On the other hand, it can corrupt the bond. Constructive feedback, positive reinforcement, and teaching valuable life lessons are much better methods and they can lead to better results.
Resisting change and innovation
When Latina family matriarchs are set in their ways, they’re very resistant to change and innovation. They refuse to consider new ideas and they struggle to adapt to the way things are today. Times have changed and they will continue to do so; refusing to learn from younger generations is a mistake. It doesn’t mean that traditional values don’t have a place in this new world, it just means that they have to evolve, and matriarchs should evolve with them.
- Mother’s Day: It’s Complicated for Many Latinas ›
- An Eldest Daughter’s Journey From People Pleasing to Setting Boundaries ›
- Mi Mamá Es Machista, Now What? ›
- Latino Family Dynamics: The Importance of Setting Boundaries ›
Many in the Latine community were raised with a certain sense of responsibility to their families. Some of this stems from the heavily patriarchal culture, which reinforces harmful expectations of men that inspire machista behavior from them. While some women knowingly and unknowingly participate in upholding marianismo, machismo maintains the gender role expectations that ultimately carry over into the parenting styles of fathers.
What is Machismo?
Machismo is defined as cultural expectations or behaviors of men in Latino culture that set out to prove their masculinity. Both negative and positive aspects accompany the set of beliefs which include bravery, honor, dominance, aggression, sexism, sexual prowess, and reserved emotions, among others. Research indicates that machismo affects everything from male self-esteem to their ability to authentically connect with others which are connected to the actions men often demonstrate so they can be perceived as strong, capable, and powerful.
Many in Latino households were raised in a culture where men are expected to work, provide, and be the head of the household within the context of machismo and marianismo, and despite the evolving gender paradigms in modern society, the effects of machismo continue generationally.
Authoritative vs. Authoritarian Parenting
A 2016 study from the University of Texas Austin’s School of social work found that the authoritarian form of parenting, which is all too common in the Latine community, is a much less effective form of parenting compared to others. Authoritarian parenting centers around the concept of enforcing strict conduct and rules in children, which creates an almost militant level of expectation of respeto.
Respeto is a value that feeds into the hierarchy of social norms in making children overly obedient to their parents. Those same parents, in turn, are obedient to either their own parents or any elders, with the men taking the role of patriarch and final decision-maker.
That same study found that authoritative parenting, which is different than authoritarian parenting, was found to be more effective in higher academic achievements in children. The study explains that authoritarian styles enforce the rules but don’t provide the why behind those rules, while authoritative parenting enforces the rules and expectations, but provides explanations and justifications while doing so. Support and nurturing attitudes also accompany the authoritative parenting style compared to authoritarian.
Combine this authoritarian style with machismo, and we get the stereotypical Latino father we’re all familiar with who doesn’t show emotion, isn’t allowed to cry (unless drunk and singing along to Vicente Fernandez), and rarely provides emotional support or guidance.
Can Newer Generations of Latino Fathers End Machismo?
Newer generations of Latinos can change what it means to be a “real man.” Oftentimes Latino culture not only reinforces the role of men as the provider but ascribes an additional sense of pride in being the main breadwinner of their households. As Latinas continue to outpace Latinos in things like educational attainment and get closer to closing the wage gap between Latinos and Latinas (but not white men), it shouldn’t be viewed as shameful that Latino men make less income or choose to be stay-at-home parents.
In machista culture, it’s considered a weakness when men express their feelings or emotions. According to a 2019 study regarding gender roles in the Latino community, women are found to be twice as likely to be diagnosed with depression vs men. While the correlation between gender and depression in the Latino community isn’t explained, it is suspected that men are less likely to be diagnosed with depression because of the cultural expectation to not express emotions, therefore, leading to a higher rate of undiagnosed depression.
Transforming Machismo
Photo by Kampus Production on Pexels
Unlearning cultural expectations is hard and requires a collective effort to change. Enabling men to be their authentic selves involves a level of self-reflection some might be unfamiliar or uncomfortable with. The harmful culture isn’t just because of resistant men, it’s also women who reinforce the norms they’re used to. There’s a high level of self-awareness that’s associated with becoming emotionally intelligent, and the cultural shift will occur when enough people reevaluate their roles within that culture and decide they won’t recreate cycles of harm.
When the cultural expectations of machismo are diminished this will allow Latino men to express their true, authentic selves, and create a culture where Latino fathers will no longer be categorized as cold, distant, and emotionally detached and will be known for what we know to be true: Latino fathers have enormous hearts and emotions that run as deep as their cultural roots.
- Machismo and Marianismo: What's the Difference? ›
- Mi Mamá Es Machista, Now What? ›
- Why is it Socially Acceptable for Men, but not Women, to Hold Onto Childhood Interests? - Luz Media ›
- A Deeper Look Into Absent Fathers in Latino Families - Luz Media ›
- The Changing Dynamics of Latino Culture Across Generations - Luz Media ›
- Celebrating the Skill and Knowledge of Latino Gardeners - Luz Media ›
- Are We Dating the Same Guy?: Facebook Groups Legal Wins - Luz Media ›