In The Community
Growing up as the eldest Latina daughter in my family was a badge of honor. It was a role drenched in tradition, expectation, and responsibility. From a young age, I was conditioned to prioritize everyone else's needs before my own. "La mayor tiene que dar el ejemplo,” mom would often remind me. This familial expectation, combined with the cultural norm of putting family above all else, sowed the seeds of my people-pleasing tendencies.
People pleasing wasn’t just about being agreeable; it became a way of life. A constant endeavor to maintain harmony, to ensure everyone was happy, and to avoid any hint of conflict. On the surface, this might sound noble, even selfless. But over time, it became a heavy cloak that weighed down on my mental health.
Here’s a glimpse into the mind of a chronic people pleaser: Every "yes" feels like a silent victory, while every "no" feels like a personal failure. There's a constant fear of disappointing others, an unending desire to be liked, and a relentless pursuit of validation. All this, often at the cost of my own happiness, needs, and desires.
In the early days, I believed that the love and respect I received from my family were directly proportional to my ability to cater to their needs. But as I grew older, I began to notice the strain this was causing. I was emotionally exhausted, always second-guessing my decisions, and often felt like a hollow version of myself.
Navigating the waters of cultural expectations and familial roles as the eldest daughter often comes with hidden currents of emotional manipulation. Within many Latino families, there's an unspoken code that binds us to a legacy of care, sacrifice, and duty. While many of these expectations are rooted in love and tradition, they can sometimes be wielded as tools of emotional leverage.
The pressure to conform can be intense, and any deviation might be met with feelings of guilt, shame, or the dreaded label of being "ungrateful." It's a delicate balance, understanding where genuine concern ends and manipulative tactics begin. I grappled with this intersection, often questioning if my choices stemmed from authentic desire or were the result of subtle emotional coercion.
One evening, after an emotionally draining family gathering where I once again found myself bending over backward to ensure everyone else's happiness, I had an epiphany. Was it really worth it? Was it truly my responsibility to bear the weight of everyone else’s contentment? That night, I took a deep look within and realized that the respect I sought from others needed to start with self-respect.
Recovery wasn’t immediate. It was, and still is, a journey. I had to unlearn the age-old belief that my worth was tied to my ability to please. I had to confront the deeply ingrained fear of being perceived as "selfish" or "ungrateful." I had to learn to set boundaries. And more importantly, I had to constantly remind myself that it's okay to prioritize my own needs.
Recognizing my people-pleasing tendencies was my first step toward healing. It wasn't just about seeing them, but understanding them—acknowledging the patterns, the triggers, and the barrage of emotions that came with every "yes" I forced out and every "no" I swallowed. With this self-awareness came the need to place myself at the forefront, not as a sign of arrogance or neglect of my loved ones, but as a necessary act of self-preservation.
But how does one prioritize self-care in a culture that often equates personal time with selfishness? For me, it started with small acts. Taking an afternoon to immerse myself in a good movie, going for a walk all by myself, or even just allowing myself to decline an invitation without the weight of guilt. Slowly, these small affirmations of my worth began to build into a newfound respect for my own well-being.
However, untangling years of ingrained behavior wasn’t something I could manage alone. Seeking therapy became my refuge. Through sessions filled with introspection, I was provided with tools and perspectives that allowed me to see my value outside of my role as the perpetual pleaser, learn the significance of boundaries and the beauty of assertiveness.
Being the eldest Latina daughter shaped me in countless ways, both challenging and rewarding. I cherish the values, resilience, and love I inherited. However, understanding the importance of breaking free from the chains of people-pleasing has been instrumental for my genuine happiness and mental well-being.
Remember, prioritizing yourself isn’t selfish; it's essential. We can only share genuine love and happiness with the world when we first find it within ourselves.
- Supporting a Loved One Who is Suicidal: There’s Hope ›
- Encanto: The Burdens of Being a Latina Daughter ›
- Study Exposes Pressure on Latinas: Cultural Expectations - Luz Media ›
- 10 Latino Childhood Experiences to Activate Major Nostalgia ›
- 10 Things Only Latinos with Siblings Will Understand ›
- Top 10 Things Latina Family Matriarchs Should Stop Doing - Luz Media ›
Latina moms are a force of nature. They’re known for their fierce love, endless wisdom, and unique personalities that make growing up very interesting, to say the very least. Whether you grew up with one, are a Latina mom yourself, or are simply curious about them, let's explore the 6 types of Latina moms we all know and love. Hey, maybe you’ll even spot your own mamá! And if we missed an important type of Latina mom, do let us know:
The Fiesta Queen
Photo by Derick McKinney on UnsplashThis Latina mom is the life of the party, and no one throws a celebration like her. Birthdays, holidays, or any given Sunday are an excuse to break out the playlist, fire up the grill, and invite the whole family. She’s got salsa music blasting, and a table full of Latino homemade dishes, whether that’s tacos, asado, arepas, ceviche, etc., depending on where she’s from. Her superpower? Finding any excuse to celebrate, making everyone feel like family, and turning any ordinary day into a good party.
The Strict Señora
Photo by Joshua Miranda
This type of Latina mom runs a tight ship and doesn't mess around. Curfews, chores, and homework are non-negotiable, and she’s got that look that can make you sit up straight instantly, even as an adult. She also loves to share unsolicited opinions and advice. But beneath that stern exterior is a heart full of love, and she often comes from a place of wanting the best for you. You might roll your eyes at her sometimes, but deep down, you know she's right (some of the time). Her superpower, you already know it, is instilling discipline and respect.
The Glam Mamá
Photo by Jazmin Quaynor on UnsplashAlways looking fabulous, this type of Latina mom never leaves the house without looking her best. She would rather be “muerta que sencilla” (dead than casual). Whether she’s headed to the grocery store or a family reunion, she’s rocking high heels, perfectly applied makeup, and a stylish outfit. Her beauty routine is legendary, and she’s got tips and tricks for days. But don’t let the glam fool you – she’s as hardworking as they come and always makes sure her family is taken care of. Her superpower is probably creating red-carpet moments for herself wherever she goes and always knowing the latest beauty trends.
The Herbal Healer
Photo by Annie Spratt on UnsplashNatural remedies and homegrown solutions are this type of Latina mom’s go-tos. Got a headache? She’s got a tea for that. Feeling stressed? Out comes the lavender oil. Her kitchen is a mini apothecary, and she’s always ready to share her wisdom about the healing powers of nature. Her nurturing spirit is matched only by her encyclopedic knowledge of herbs, plants, and natural wellness. Her superpower has to be whipping up natural remedies that actually work and make you feel good.
The Chisme Queen
Photo by Melike Baran
No one has the inside scoop like this type of Latina mom. She knows everything about everyone and always has the juiciest gossip about family members, neighbors, and even celebrities. But it’s not just about spreading news – she’s genuinely interested in people’s lives and uses her knowledge to share life lessons. Plus, let’s not act like a little chisme doesn’t bring people together. As long as it’s not malicious, it’s all in good fun. Family drama, neighborhood news, or celebrity scandals – this Latina mom knows it all and loves to share over a cup of coffee. Her superpower is keeping everyone informed, whether you’ve asked about it or not.
The Luchona Mom
Photo by Israel Torres
This type of Latina mom never stops. She probably started parenting when she was very young for other family members or had to start working young. As a result, she has an incredible work ethic, and cutting corners isn’t something she’s comfortable with. It doesn’t even cross her mind! She believes in honest work, she’s resilient, and she has taught you to work for what you want. She’s also given you a good life, which often meant she had to make sacrifices of her own. Her superpower is her strength and the values she lives by.
So, did you spot your mamá in one of these types? Or maybe she’s a mix of a few? No matter what, make sure to celebrate your mom’s unique flavor and give her an extra hug the next time you see her.
Many 2nd generation Latinos are often put in the position to have to not only provide for themselves, but for aging parents as well. Generations of white people have had unfettered access to education, real estate acquisition, and other wealth building opportunities, while Latino (and Black and other non-white people) families haven’t had the same access. This has resulted in Latino children having to go beyond just caring for their aging parents, but to also be their parents’ financial retirement plan.
With the Latina wage gap increasing in 2022, the future seems even bleaker than before. Meanwhile, the dutiful daughter complex lives on strongly in the Latina community making the responsibility of providing a good quality life for parents even more anxiety-ridden.
But there is a way to manage it. Unless our elected officials make meaningful changes to address the horrific wealth gap, the overall landscape won’t improve anytime soon, however, we can be proactive about how we move forward with taking care of ourselves and our loved ones.
Get an idea of your parent's finances.
Finances in many Latino households aren’t a popular discussion. While many 2nd generation Latinos end up understanding the value of money simply because of different socioeconomic situations they encounter, the conversations end there. It’s not enough to just know where your parents land on the income scale, you have to know their whole portfolio or lack thereof.
Do they have any savings at all? How much, if anything, do they expect in private retirement or social security payments? Do they own a home and if so, what’s owed on it? It’s important to sit down with your parents and have an honest conversation about their lifestyle and what they expect to maintain after they are too old to keep working. And most importantly, how much you can contribute to help.
Manage each other expectations.
Along with the difficult conversation about how much money they have and what they can depend on, it's important to manage each other's expectations for what is expected of you. This includes the caretaking, expenses, and how they will contribute. If you even need to go so far as to have it in writing, do that. This includes any end-of-life documents such as medical power of attorneys, a will, and any life insurance they may have.
Clear boundaries will help relieve the stress of having to figure it out on the fly when someone all of a sudden can’t work or if a parent should unexpectedly pass. No one wants to depend on a go fund me, so don’t.
Don't expect your parents to remain in perfect health.
While many start retirement planning before any illnesses come to mind, it’s important to note that with aging parents come higher healthcare costs. Budgeting for potential illnesses or shopping around for insurance that might enable better care pre-retirement is vital to ensuring that retirement-age expenses will be accounted for. When budgeting for retirement, many people do so without healthcare costs in mind, so be prepared for the unexpected and potentially the worst outcome will ensure everyone is equipped to deal with the situation.
As previously mentioned, life insurance is relatively inexpensive especially when the policy is purchased earlier in life. Many people mistakingly believe that all insurance is unaffordable and this simply isn’t true. What’s unaffordable is having to fork over $10,000.00 or more for a proper funeral and worse, having to ask friends, family, and strangers to help thru a go fund me. Save yourself a lot of stress, anxiety, and time and prepare in advance for the inevitable.
Savings accounts save lives.
Opening up a Roth IRA is a great option for those working for employers that may not have retirement accounts available. Gains to contributions tend to be higher the earlier you begin putting money towards a Roth. Still, it's never too late to open an account and utilize it for savings - for those earning less than six figures; it also helps with taxable income, which helps present-day you as well. Making sure your parents understand the benefits of retirement accounts and the gains made from contributions can make a huge difference in the money they will have come retirement time.
Lifestyle changes might need to be made now to make it easier later.
Some of us know the importance of investing into retirement younger, so it's less of a catch-up once you are older. This means that adjusting current spending habits might need to happen to direct that money to more useful paths like a retirement savings account to offset the amount needing to be saved later. This includes getting rid of exorbitant car payments or money pits that could currently be presenting obstacles to proper retirement savings.
Create living wills.
Estate planning doesn't seem necessary if you don't have assets, but it is important to encourage your parents to create wills for the division of assets after their deaths. This prevents potentially costly arguments with the state over dividing what it is they left behind and can prevent family infighting during those sad times as well.
Insurance policies can go a long way.
Some employers have free life insurance policies, while others can be quite costly. Those life insurance policies can prove to be quite helpful to cover the costs of anything from funeral expenses to cover any outstanding debt you might have. Various types of insurance provide a solution should any financial obligations a person had when they were alive need to be met, so encouraging your parents to invest in policies as early as possible is a viable solution should they not have much saved in retirement accounts.
Some policies, like whole life policies, will accumulate worth and actually provide payments before death. There are many different types of insurance products that can work with your parent’s budget that will help them and you during difficult times.
We know that things get complicated as our parents age, and our own financial situations can change a lot with aging family members. It is important to keep in mind how we can all adjust to make being your parent's retirement account less stressful and more beneficial to all.
- 5 Mujeres Teaching Latinas About Personal Finance ›
- 3 Reasons to Consider Dual American/Mexican Citizenship and How To Do It ›
- Can Generational Trauma Affect Our Relationship With Money? - Luz Media ›
- 5 Mujeres Teaching Latinas About Personal Finance - Luz Media ›