In The Community
Kinkeeping refers to all activities related to maintaining family relationships, passing down traditions, and remembering the family’s heritage. This includes things like cooking, sharing food recipes, teaching stories, crafts and duties, contacting family members, and even organizing events to keep in touch with relatives.
During the holidays, that can mean planning get-togethers, cooking dinners, and organizing gift-giving or card-giving. In “Women’s Voices, Feminist Visions,” Susan M. Shaw and Janet Lee state that the usually related tasks to kinkeeping “are time-consuming and involve emotional work that is not easily quantified,” which makes it even harder to recognize as legitimate labor that causes exhaustion just as any other labor causes, and that is also distinct from more commonly known house work.
Grandmothers, mothers, and daughters are constantly reminded of their place in the family and the responsibility to maintain and support relationships. Kinkeeping is just another form of care that falls on their shoulders. The general care work represents 12.5 billion hours of unpaid care work every day. When valued at minimum wage, this would represent a contribution to the global economy of at least $10.8 trillion a year, more than three times the size of the global tech industry.
Since the emotional labor of maintaining relationships with the family usually relies on women, this adds another layer of pressure to be the ones who are there for other family members. They’re also responsible for passing down cherished family and cultural traditions that keep heritage going.
So how does Kinkeeping affect Latina Women?
Latina culture relies heavily on maintaining family ties. And oftentimes, women are taught to prioritize household tasks like cooking and cleaning for the benefit of maintaining the family. This is ingrained in mothers and what they should teach their daughters. They are in charge every time the family needs to gather for anything.
In addition, we are also now seeing more financial expectations placed on Latina women to take care of their families, adding more stress to their lives through additional worrying and even more demands of their time. COVID-19 made these burdens Latina moms face to be there for their families crystal clear.
If mothers, daughters, and abuelas don’t organize to keep families together, a likely outcome is that families begin to drift apart. Anecdotally, we hear of situations like this when family matriarchs pass away. The family gathers less and only gathers when tías celebrate birthdays or when the other women make it a point to celebrate something. The tíos and other men never seem to think about seeing each other and getting the family together.
The problem isn’t so much about having to maintain family relationships, but more so about the fact that women are usually the only ones doing it and are expected to do so. In “A Binding Tie: Supportive Communication of Family Kinkeepers,” Margaret S. Leach and Dawn O. Braithwaite report that 72% of the kinkeepers in families are women, confirming that is a task that is attributed to women.
Aside from other responsibilities, women are carrying the emotional toll and feeling guilt around decisions that affect the family.
And in Latino culture, where closeness in the family is so valued, many Latinas lose academic or professional opportunities in order to avoid being physically distanced or emotionally unavailable. When Latinas are required to be the emotional support no matter the circumstance, they are too often forced to deprioritize themselves and their goals, making kinkeeping a topic that should no longer go unrecognized and not understood.
Growing up as the eldest Latina daughter in my family was a badge of honor. It was a role drenched in tradition, expectation, and responsibility. From a young age, I was conditioned to prioritize everyone else's needs before my own. "La mayor tiene que dar el ejemplo,” mom would often remind me. This familial expectation, combined with the cultural norm of putting family above all else, sowed the seeds of my people-pleasing tendencies.
People pleasing wasn’t just about being agreeable; it became a way of life. A constant endeavor to maintain harmony, to ensure everyone was happy, and to avoid any hint of conflict. On the surface, this might sound noble, even selfless. But over time, it became a heavy cloak that weighed down on my mental health.
Here’s a glimpse into the mind of a chronic people pleaser: Every "yes" feels like a silent victory, while every "no" feels like a personal failure. There's a constant fear of disappointing others, an unending desire to be liked, and a relentless pursuit of validation. All this, often at the cost of my own happiness, needs, and desires.
In the early days, I believed that the love and respect I received from my family were directly proportional to my ability to cater to their needs. But as I grew older, I began to notice the strain this was causing. I was emotionally exhausted, always second-guessing my decisions, and often felt like a hollow version of myself.
Navigating the waters of cultural expectations and familial roles as the eldest daughter often comes with hidden currents of emotional manipulation. Within many Latino families, there's an unspoken code that binds us to a legacy of care, sacrifice, and duty. While many of these expectations are rooted in love and tradition, they can sometimes be wielded as tools of emotional leverage.
The pressure to conform can be intense, and any deviation might be met with feelings of guilt, shame, or the dreaded label of being "ungrateful." It's a delicate balance, understanding where genuine concern ends and manipulative tactics begin. I grappled with this intersection, often questioning if my choices stemmed from authentic desire or were the result of subtle emotional coercion.
One evening, after an emotionally draining family gathering where I once again found myself bending over backward to ensure everyone else's happiness, I had an epiphany. Was it really worth it? Was it truly my responsibility to bear the weight of everyone else’s contentment? That night, I took a deep look within and realized that the respect I sought from others needed to start with self-respect.
Recovery wasn’t immediate. It was, and still is, a journey. I had to unlearn the age-old belief that my worth was tied to my ability to please. I had to confront the deeply ingrained fear of being perceived as "selfish" or "ungrateful." I had to learn to set boundaries. And more importantly, I had to constantly remind myself that it's okay to prioritize my own needs.
Recognizing my people-pleasing tendencies was my first step toward healing. It wasn't just about seeing them, but understanding them—acknowledging the patterns, the triggers, and the barrage of emotions that came with every "yes" I forced out and every "no" I swallowed. With this self-awareness came the need to place myself at the forefront, not as a sign of arrogance or neglect of my loved ones, but as a necessary act of self-preservation.
But how does one prioritize self-care in a culture that often equates personal time with selfishness? For me, it started with small acts. Taking an afternoon to immerse myself in a good movie, going for a walk all by myself, or even just allowing myself to decline an invitation without the weight of guilt. Slowly, these small affirmations of my worth began to build into a newfound respect for my own well-being.
However, untangling years of ingrained behavior wasn’t something I could manage alone. Seeking therapy became my refuge. Through sessions filled with introspection, I was provided with tools and perspectives that allowed me to see my value outside of my role as the perpetual pleaser, learn the significance of boundaries and the beauty of assertiveness.
Being the eldest Latina daughter shaped me in countless ways, both challenging and rewarding. I cherish the values, resilience, and love I inherited. However, understanding the importance of breaking free from the chains of people-pleasing has been instrumental for my genuine happiness and mental well-being.
Remember, prioritizing yourself isn’t selfish; it's essential. We can only share genuine love and happiness with the world when we first find it within ourselves.
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Latina moms are a force of nature. They’re known for their fierce love, endless wisdom, and unique personalities that make growing up very interesting, to say the very least. Whether you grew up with one, are a Latina mom yourself, or are simply curious about them, let's explore the 6 types of Latina moms we all know and love. Hey, maybe you’ll even spot your own mamá! And if we missed an important type of Latina mom, do let us know:
The Fiesta Queen
Photo by Derick McKinney on UnsplashThis Latina mom is the life of the party, and no one throws a celebration like her. Birthdays, holidays, or any given Sunday are an excuse to break out the playlist, fire up the grill, and invite the whole family. She’s got salsa music blasting, and a table full of Latino homemade dishes, whether that’s tacos, asado, arepas, ceviche, etc., depending on where she’s from. Her superpower? Finding any excuse to celebrate, making everyone feel like family, and turning any ordinary day into a good party.
The Strict Señora
Photo by Joshua Miranda
This type of Latina mom runs a tight ship and doesn't mess around. Curfews, chores, and homework are non-negotiable, and she’s got that look that can make you sit up straight instantly, even as an adult. She also loves to share unsolicited opinions and advice. But beneath that stern exterior is a heart full of love, and she often comes from a place of wanting the best for you. You might roll your eyes at her sometimes, but deep down, you know she's right (some of the time). Her superpower, you already know it, is instilling discipline and respect.
The Glam Mamá
Photo by Jazmin Quaynor on UnsplashAlways looking fabulous, this type of Latina mom never leaves the house without looking her best. She would rather be “muerta que sencilla” (dead than casual). Whether she’s headed to the grocery store or a family reunion, she’s rocking high heels, perfectly applied makeup, and a stylish outfit. Her beauty routine is legendary, and she’s got tips and tricks for days. But don’t let the glam fool you – she’s as hardworking as they come and always makes sure her family is taken care of. Her superpower is probably creating red-carpet moments for herself wherever she goes and always knowing the latest beauty trends.
The Herbal Healer
Photo by Annie Spratt on UnsplashNatural remedies and homegrown solutions are this type of Latina mom’s go-tos. Got a headache? She’s got a tea for that. Feeling stressed? Out comes the lavender oil. Her kitchen is a mini apothecary, and she’s always ready to share her wisdom about the healing powers of nature. Her nurturing spirit is matched only by her encyclopedic knowledge of herbs, plants, and natural wellness. Her superpower has to be whipping up natural remedies that actually work and make you feel good.
The Chisme Queen
Photo by Melike Baran
No one has the inside scoop like this type of Latina mom. She knows everything about everyone and always has the juiciest gossip about family members, neighbors, and even celebrities. But it’s not just about spreading news – she’s genuinely interested in people’s lives and uses her knowledge to share life lessons. Plus, let’s not act like a little chisme doesn’t bring people together. As long as it’s not malicious, it’s all in good fun. Family drama, neighborhood news, or celebrity scandals – this Latina mom knows it all and loves to share over a cup of coffee. Her superpower is keeping everyone informed, whether you’ve asked about it or not.
The Luchona Mom
Photo by Israel Torres
This type of Latina mom never stops. She probably started parenting when she was very young for other family members or had to start working young. As a result, she has an incredible work ethic, and cutting corners isn’t something she’s comfortable with. It doesn’t even cross her mind! She believes in honest work, she’s resilient, and she has taught you to work for what you want. She’s also given you a good life, which often meant she had to make sacrifices of her own. Her superpower is her strength and the values she lives by.
So, did you spot your mamá in one of these types? Or maybe she’s a mix of a few? No matter what, make sure to celebrate your mom’s unique flavor and give her an extra hug the next time you see her.