In The Community
Mother’s Day is a day meant to honor and celebrate the special bond we share with our mothers or mother figures. The holiday is celebrated on the second Sunday of May in the U.S. and in some Latin American countries, like Cuba, Chile, Colombia, Puerto Rico, Ecuador, Honduras, and Venezuela. However, some Latina mothers celebrate the holiday twice, depending on where they’re from. For example, mothers of Mexican, Guatemalan, or Salvadoran descent will also observe Mother’s Day on May 10, so it’s a double celebration for them. Argentina, Costa Rica, Nicaragua, Bolivia, Dominican Republic, Paraguay, and Panama have their own dates as well.
Usually, Mother’s Day is all about connecting with our mothers and pampering them throughout the day. For many Latina daughters, though, it’s not a happy occasion. Mother’s Day can be very complicated when your relationship with your mother is not a healthy one and you’ve made the decision to break or diminish ties with her. That’s the reality for many Latinas who have prioritized their own mental health and well-being by creating solid boundaries.
Marianismo often plays a role in difficult mother-daughter relationships. Rooted in Christianity, or rather the Roman Catholic beliefs the Spanish indoctrinated their newly conquered native subjects with during colonialism, marianismo is the other side of machismo. It defines gender-based expectations for Latin American women and it’s deeply ingrained in Latino culture. It’s because of marianismo that Latina women are taught from a young age that they have to be submissive, self-sacrificing, and pure. In other words, they have to be quiet instead of loud, weak instead of strong and are consistently discouraged from being independent, sexual, opinionated, and a host of other empowered traits.
@therapylux #marianismo #machismo #latinxtiktok #latinxmentalhealth #latinas
The idea behind marianismo is to be more like the Virgin Mary, a figure that’s considered to be the epitome of purity and goodness. Whether the messaging is subtle or explicit, marianismo in the Latino household imposes a narrow concept of what it means to be a woman and it reinforces powerlessness. It’s important to note that marianismo is not a burden every Latina carries, but many of them do.
In Latin American countries, society helps reinforce marianismo. In the U.S., things are slightly different, which is why first-generation immigrants break away from it more effectively. But this sometimes also means breaking away from their mothers, who often refuse to confront their harmful marianismo beliefs.
There’s no denying that the mother-daughter bond is one of the most important in a woman’s life. For Latinas in particular, mothers are highly influential figures in our lives. But what if your relationship with your mother is toxic and complicated? In Latino culture, it’s taboo to say anything negative about our mothers. Being critical of them means you’re “ungrateful,” but the truth is that some mothers fail their daughters. Especially in helping them foster an independent sense of self. Some mothers want their daughters to be a certain way instead of allowing them to be their own person, which is why they’re often critical and overly demanding.
@santamykah and that’s on being salty bc I’m daring to experiment, heal, and get to know myself at the age she was already raising 3 kids w a man she never loved 😗#toxic #toxicmom #healing #latina #firstgen #mentalhealth
Many Latinas have grown up with mothers who are too comfortable pointing out their flaws or dictating how they should be or act. This leads to constant opposition and a constant struggle to just be yourself. It makes many Latina daughters feel that who they are at their core is not good enough and fosters self-doubt at a level that affects everything else in their lives. Even as adults, we want our mothers to approve of us and love us for who we are, but there comes a time when enough is enough. There’s only so much toxic criticism one can take.
This is what leads many Latina daughters to cut ties with their mothers, however painful that may be. Needless to say, estrangement is frowned upon in the Latino community because we place a lot of value on family. “It doesn’t matter what we do to each other, at the end of the day, we’re family.” That’s the kind of mindset most Latinos have, but it’s neither healthy nor realistic. The way we treat each other matters and being related doesn’t mean we can get away with harmful behavior.
@latinxestrangement #latinxcommunity #marianismo #familyestrangement #latinos
In general, estrangement is seen as extreme and as a problem in itself. However, for many, estrangement is the solution and the relief they’ve been searching for. Make no mistake, the dilemma Latina daughters are often faced with is unsolvable. Choosing between having a relationship with your mother and doing what’s best for your own life isn’t as easy as it seems. However, it’s often the only thing left to do after you’ve tried everything else to have a better relationship with your mother.
There comes a point where you’re better off without them in your life. That’s a harsh truth to face because, even if estrangement is what’s best for you, you both lose something. But for many Latinas, that loss is a new beginning. It’s a weight lifted off their shoulders and a deep sigh of relief. It’s sad and tragic that it has to end that way, but it’s better than the alternative of maintaining that toxic mother-daughter relationship.
@nicolerodriguez94 Normalicemos alejarnos de nuestras familias, renunciar a ellos esta bien por nuestra salud mental, ahora estoy sanando ❤️🩹#greenscreen #saludmental #familiastoxicas #madretoxica #parati #fyp
On a larger scale, estrangement can help the Latino culture heal in the long term. Setting boundaries with our families, which isn’t something we’re encouraged to do in the Latino community, means we’re no longer letting abuse slide. The romanticization of family bonds and self-sacrifice doesn’t have the same hold. Rejecting that romanticization and rejecting marianismo is a way to help break the cycle.
Intergenerational emotional and psychological abuse has to be confronted and, sometimes, extreme measures are the only way to help the older generation face their harmful beliefs and values, and reframe what needs to be reframed. Setting boundaries is a shock to the system; a shock that lets our mothers and everyone else in our families know what kind of behavior isn’t acceptable anymore and never should’ve been in the first place. After that, the ball is in their court. They can either adapt or lose the privilege of being a part of your life.
While, for some, Mother’s Day is a celebration of the bonds they share with their mothers, for others, it’s a reminder of the breaking of those bonds. Whatever side you’re on, remember that love and respect is a two-way street.
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In Mexico, Día del Niño (Children's Day) is a commemorative day that honors children and promotes their well-being. Since 1925, the country has been celebrating children on April 30 through many different activities and events to entertain, educate, and bring joy to little ones. This day recognizes how important children are in society and also how essential it is to provide them with a healthy, well-adjusted childhood they can look back on. Día del Niño is also committed to promoting literacy through cultural activities and parent involvement.
On the topic of a healthy, well-adjusted childhood, we have to talk about the fact that not all children get that privilege. The ideal parent/child dynamic consists of parents providing the care children need so they can focus only on learning and enjoying the process of growing up. However, not all parents have the mental stability, emotional maturity, health, and/or resources to provide that, resulting in parentification.
Parentification 101
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Parentification in the Latino community
In 2015, a study set out to examine the implications of race/ethnicity and gender on parentification. They worked with 977 college students who had a history of parentification and found that males had a higher level of parentification than females across all racial/ethnic groups. Moreover, they found that Latinos and Blacks had a higher level of parentification than white Americans.
Unfortunately, parentification is very common in the Latino community, especially among first-generation children of Latino immigrants. The most common example of parentification in the Latino community is the “translator child,” who serves as the language mediator between parents and the outside world. In this role, children get exposed to issues and information beyond their years. That may include legal problems, medical problems, debt, bills, and so much more.
@drlesliegonzalez And that’s on me not ever asking for help 🙃 #latinostiktok #hispanictiktok #tiktoklatino #latina #firstgen #generationaltrauma
Parentified children may also suffer from anxiety, depression, and even anger management issues throughout their lives. Moreover, because they didn’t have anyone to turn to for help during their formative years, they may develop ineffective coping skills, which affects how they interact with the world around them. Not just as children, but also as adults.
@micheline.maalouf Parentification can lead to so many issues with our own self, identify, worrh, and connection. Being a parentified child means we didnt really get to experience our childhood as children and sonwe didnt get to learn about ourselves and what we like and we didn’t learn that we were worthy despite our accomplishments and what we do for others #parentification #parentified #cptsd #trauma
Healing your parentified inner child
While the trauma of parentification is difficult, it doesn’t have to be a lifetime issue. The journey to healing from parentification is through inner work and therapy. In the Latino community, mental health is often stigmatized, but it’s important to break the code of silence around it and break the pattern to find healing.
The first step is the most difficult because talking about your childhood as a parentified child makes many feel guilty, ungrateful, and critical of their parents. However, loving and respecting your parents doesn’t mean it’s wrong to acknowledge the things they did that hurt you. Acknowledging them will allow you to understand your experiences in a way you weren’t able to as a child.
With understanding often comes the need for open communication with your parents. If you’re able or willing to seek those conversations, understand that they won’t be easy. Your parents will have a different perspective and they may (often inadvertently) try to invalidate your experiences by saying that they had it worse. If they do that, avoid seeing it as an attack and take it as an opportunity to ask them about it.
More often than not, parents also have trauma they need to heal from, and approaching the conversation with grace can help them as much as it can help you. Moreover, it’s important to create healthy boundaries with your parents. Parentified children often continue the role well into adulthood with their parents being highly dependent on them. Setting limits is part of your healing and breaking the habits you’ve been maintaining your entire life.
@drshantesays Honoring your parents doesnt give them license for mistreatment. Its okay to set boundaries to preserve your mental health. #mentalhealth #settingboundaries #healthyrelationship #relationship #mindset
It’s also essential to let go of the guilt of wanting to heal from parentification. It may feel like you’re abandoning your parents or being selfish or a bad daughter or son, but you’re not. You’re just working on balancing the scales, fixing your codependent relationship with your parents, and seeking your own freedom so you can live your life as an adult to the fullest.
@latinahermana To my First-Gens, daughter of immigrants, parentified children, it’s okay to put yourself first. 🫶🏽🤍 #firstgenlatina #hijamayor #latinastiktok #daughterofimmigrants #parentified #firstgenlatinaissues
On this Día del Niño, we encourage you to seek healing by acknowledging your parentified inner child and holding space for it. Also, we encourage you to celebrate children and champion their childhood in any way you can, whether you’re a parent, sibling, aunt or uncle, grandparent, godparent, etc.
While Latine families face a lot of stressors when adjusting to life in the United States, it is oftentimes the children who bear the brunt of navigating systems such as language, habits, and traditions for them. Since families are so close-knit in most Latine homes, this removes many boundaries as parents are dependent on their children to help them navigate these spaces.
We often hear stories of having to translate important government and medical documents starting at a very young age, something that goes well into our teen and young adult years that leaves us to feel as though we can’t set boundaries since we are a major source of support for our parents.
This left me wondering how healthy our relationships with our parents are when we feel obligated to help and support them. Not only is this support manifested in daily chores and tasks, but it can also have a personal impact on our own lives.
Remember applying to college and wondering how close you should stay to home? How about dating and wondering what your parents and family would say about your choice of partner? So often we are caught up in acts of service to our family that we might forget to set boundaries and truly ask ourselves an all-important question: what makes me happy?
Let’s be real, if it was up to our mom she would have us living at home until we get married and have us over for dinner every day. It’s easy to get guilted into these things, but you can set boundaries and help your family adjust to your lifestyle. It’s okay to live by your own rules and focus on life on your terms, amiga.
Communicate with Your Parents
This one seems fairly straightforward, but it’s easier said than done.
I’ve chosen to take a nontraditional approach to do this: I’ve decided to see my mom as my friend. What she used to say to get under my skin no longer does so because I am not holding myself to the standards of an obedient daughter. I chose to have a relationship with my mom where we talk about most things I’d chat about with my friends. It helps to remember that your mom was a young woman once too and while she might have grown up a different way, she still questioned life the same way you do. I do the same with my dad because even though my relationship with him is different than my mom, he also had aspirations in life that were unique to him.
Shaping these conversations through the lens of friendship will help you change the way your parents perceive you. You’re no longer a child that they can guilt trip, and they will quickly realize this as you open up to them.
Learn To Say No
Sometimes you just have to hurt some feelings and say no. No to the cookout, no to the errand that they’re asking about and no to the family party you don’t want to attend. Yes, this one is difficult but if you keep pouring from an empty cup how will you function? How will you be able to keep your peace and joy around them if you start feeling resentful about all the things you feel obligated to attend to or do for your family?
Call Out Machismo
Latine families can oftentimes be rooted in machismo. Think about the dynamics of your family and how often the women are expected to serve the men or how you might be expected to be married and have kids by 25. These are all issues that leave us feeling guilty, overwhelmed, and resentful, making it a priority to call them out to change them. Setting these types of boundaries allows your family to know what to expect from you. Heck, they might see it as being radical, but soon they’ll realize the freedom they too can find in calling out and rejecting our machista traditions that they have simply conformed to.
Give Yourself Some Grace
This won’t be a smooth ride. Your family won’t immediately accept your boundaries because you have given them so much comfort over the years. Whether it has been always attending family parties or dinners, translating documents, navigating complicated government systems, or anything in between, they haven’t had to figure it out on their own because you have always stepped in. There might have been a cost to your own mental health, but that has not been something they’re aware of, and it’s time you give yourself some grace. Give yourself some grace for the times when you’ll get the guilt trips and grace to know that you’re more valuable as a healthy individual. It will pass, and you’ll have a stronger relationship for it.
There is no denying that it’s hard to set boundaries in the Latine family, but it’s important to do so because many of us aren’t living in survival mode any longer, instead pursuing our goals to live a happy life and thrive.
While traditional Latine families might have served as a way to survive in Latin American countries, we no longer have to live based on traditional customs. You can have a happy Latine family and happy individuals within those families. Everyone wins this way, but it will take some adjustment.
The next time your mom begs you to come to your family dinner after you’ve been working tirelessly, it’s okay to say no and take a bubble bath. You can always go shopping with your mamá during the weekend. You’ll show up happier and more authentically and your mamá will appreciate it. We’re rooting for you because we know you can do it amiga!
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- Study Exposes Pressure on Latinas: Cultural Expectations - Luz Media ›
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