In The Community
He’s always talking about how nice he is
Photo by Jacqueline Munguía on UnsplashYou already know what we're going to say about this... A genuinely nice person doesn’t need to keep reminding you how nice they are. If he’s constantly saying, “I’m such a nice guy,” or constantly reminding you of the "nice things" he's always doing for you, it’s probably because he’s trying to convince you (and maybe himself). Nice people don't need to come out and say they're nice, they just let their behavior speak for them.
He expects to be rewarded for being a good human being
Photo by Mark Farías on UnsplashHave you ever noticed that he expects something in return every time he does something nice? Whether it’s a favor, a date, or even more, this is a major red flag. Nice deeds should come from the heart, not from a place of expecting something in return. If he's using his niceness as currency, girl, get away from that man.
He won’t take no for an answer
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When the “nice guy” doesn’t get what he wants, does he keep pushing? If he keeps asking you out or anything else even after you’ve said no, he’s not respecting your boundaries. A truly nice guy will respect your decisions instead of trying to pressure you into doing something you've already said you don't want to do. It's really that simple!
He’s passive-aggressive
Photo by Keira Burton
Does he sulk or get passive-aggressive when things don’t go his way? Maybe he gives you the silent treatment or makes snide remarks and hides them as “jokes.” Whatever the case may be, this kind of behavior is manipulative and very far from anyone’s idea of “nice.”
He talks badly about other women
Photo by Budgeron Bach
Pay attention to how the “nice guy” talks about other women, especially his exes. If he’s constantly badmouthing them and blaming them for everything, not only is it a sign he will talk about you that way eventually, but it's also a sign he doesn't respect women as much as he claims he does. If the nice guy is only kind to women he's interested in or "has a shot" with, he's not that nice, is he?
He’s good at playing the victim
Photo by Keira Burton
When things don’t go his way, does the “nice guy” act like the world is against him? Does he make you feel guilty for not catering to his every need? This manipulative tactic is designed to make you feel sorry for him and bend to his will. After all, he’s so nice, why doesn't he deserve everything he asks for?
He’s nice to get what he wants
Photo by Klaus Nielsen
When a “nice guy” is actually faking, it’s easy to notice a pattern: he’s only nice when he wants to get something out of it. Does he turn on the charm only when he wants something? Whether it’s getting you to do him a favor or trying to move the relationship forward faster than you’re comfortable with, this is a clear sign he’s not genuinely nice.
He can’t handle rejection
Photo by Timur Weber
When the fake nice guy is rejected, he doesn’t take it well. Whether he’s rejected by you or others, pay attention to how he reacts. Does he lash out and try to guilt-trip people? If so, he’s not an actual nice guy. Nice men handle rejection with grace and respect because they’re not entitled and understand that rejection is a normal part of life.
He tries to change you
Photo by Alison Leedham
Does he buy you gifts that don’t fit your style or make comments about how you should dress or behave under the guise of “giving you advice”? This isn’t generosity or niceness; it’s just an attempt to mold you into someone you’re not. A genuinely nice guy will like you for who you are, not for who he wants you to be.
He badmouths other men to make himself look good
Photo by Abbat on UnsplashIf the “nice guy” constantly puts others down to elevate himself, that’s a major red flag. This behavior is a sign of insecurity and a need for validation. Plus, a genuinely nice person uplifts people rather than tearing them down. If your “nice guy” is particularly critical of other men, especially men you’re friends with, when there’s no reason to be, he could be trying to make you doubt them as well.
Navigating the dating world can be tricky, but recognizing these signs can help you spot the “nice guy” who isn’t actually nice. Remember, a truly nice guy shows his kindness through respect, genuine actions, and understanding. Trust your instincts, and don’t settle for anything less than you deserve!
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Ghosting
Photo by Kelli McClintock on UnsplashImagine you’re having a great time with someone, texting every day, making plans, and then—bam—they disappear. No explanation, no goodbye. That’s ghosting. It’s basically ending a relationship by cutting off all communication out of the blue. People usually do this because they want to avoid the awkwardness of a breakup conversation. It’s a way to dodge responsibility, you know, like a coward. It leaves the ghosted person feeling confused and sometimes even hurt. It’s a jarring experience, but ultimately, they’re doing you a favor by taking themselves out of your life.
Benching
Photo by Chandler Langley on UnsplashBenching is when someone keeps you on the sidelines—like a backup plan. They text you just enough to keep you interested, but never enough to actually move things forward. Usually, this means that they’re not ready to commit to a relationship, but they also don’t want to let go of the possibility. In other words, it’s a selfish way of keeping their options open.
Breadcrumbing
Photo by Amadeus Moga on UnsplashBreadcrumbing is when someone leads you on with small, inconsistent bits of attention. They might flirt, send a late-night text, or make vague plans, but nothing ever really materializes. It’s similar to benching, but the difference is that, with breadcrumbing, they give you the bare minimum attention to make you think they’re interested. Why do people do this? Well, because they like the attention and they don’t mind playing with someone’s feelings to get it. You're not a bird, though, you need and deserve something more substantial than bread crumbs.
Situationship
Photo by Pavel Danilyuk
A situationship is like a relationship’s indecisive cousin. It’s when you’re more than just friends but not officially dating. So you’re in a romantic or sexual relationship, but it’s undefined and unclear where it’s headed. Situationships often come about when one or both people want to enjoy the perks of a relationship but without committing to it. It’s a way to keep things flexible, but it leaves room for misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
Stashing
Photo by Nellie Adamyan on UnsplashStashing is when someone is dating you but keeps you hidden from the important people in their life. They don’t introduce you to friends or family and avoid posting about you on social media. This can mean that the person isn’t serious about the relationship or they want to keep their options open. It means they don’t plan on being with you long-term or don’t see you as “the one.” If you’re in this kind of situation, remember: you deserve much better.
Zombieing
Photo by Aedrian Salazar on UnsplashJust when you thought they were gone for good, they rise from the dead—welcome to zombieing. This happens when someone who ghosted you suddenly reappears in your life, acting as if nothing happened. Zombies often come back because they’re curious if you’re still interested, or they want to see if they can still get your attention. It’s confusing and usually not worth your time.
Slow Fade
Photo by Kunj Parekh on UnsplashThe slow fade is ghosting’s sneakier sibling. Instead of disappearing all at once, they gradually pull away, reducing communication bit by bit until it eventually fades to nothing. People use the slow fade when they want to avoid confrontation but can’t bring themselves to ghost someone outright cause that’s too abrupt. It’s a way to end things quietly, hoping you’ll just get the hint, instead of having an actual conversation about it.
Fleabagging
Photo by Anthony Tran on UnsplashInspired by the TV show “Fleabag,” fleabagging is the habit of consistently choosing the wrong partners—people who are bad for you or who don’t align with your values and needs. If you find yourself fleabagging, it could mean that you have unresolved issues or are struggling with your self-esteem. People choose the partners they think they deserve, so if you’re consistently choosing the wrong person, it could be time to take a break from dating and sit down with yourself.
Kittenfishing
Photo by Mariana Montes de Oca on UnsplashYeah, this is a ridiculous-sounding term and it's basically a lighter, “cuter” version of catfishing. It’s when someone presents an exaggerated or slightly false version of themselves online, like using heavily filtered photos or stretching the truth about their interests or achievements. People kittenfish because they want to make the best possible first impression, but it’s still lying. There’s really nothing like being authentic and honest about who you are!
Mooning
Photo by Morgan Housel on UnsplashMooning is when someone uses the ‘Do Not Disturb’ feature on their phone to avoid someone’s calls or messages without actually blocking them. It’s a sneaky way to ignore someone while keeping the door slightly ajar. This is yet another way to distance themselves from someone without having to talk to them or explain why they’re not interested. It’s passive-aggressive and immature.
Orbiting
Photo by Zelch Csaba
Orbiting is when someone stops directly communicating with you but continues to engage with your social media—liking your posts, watching your stories—and keeping themselves in your orbit without any real interaction. Orbiters like to keep the connection alive without making any real effort, so they’re the masters of sending mixed signals. If someone makes you constantly wonder if they’re still interested, they might be orbiting you.
Modern dating terms can be confusing, but once you catch the drift, it gets easier to navigate things. Whether you’re dealing with ghosters, benchers, or breadcrumbers, the key is to recognize these behaviors and decide what you’re willing to tolerate. Remember, you deserve clear communication and respect in any relationship—don’t settle for anything less!
Here's the thing, there's a big difference between the two and it’s important to be able to distinguish between rude and even selfish behavior and narcissistic abuse. We can get over rudeness, but narcissistic abuse can cause long-term harm that can be difficult to recover from and leave us forever changed.
What is Emotional Manipulation in Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
Emotional manipulation is the narcissist’s primary weapon. We've all met the occasional jerk - someone who might be blunt, insensitive, or even obnoxious. They might not care much about your feelings or needs at the moment, but that doesn't necessarily make them narcissists. A jerk can have a bad day, be unaware of their behavior, or simply lack some social graces.
A narcissist, on the other hand, is someone who meets at least five of the nine criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
The DSM-5 states that in order to be clinically diagnosed with NPD, a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and that present in a variety of contexts, must be shown by at least five of the following:
- Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g. - exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
- Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- Believes that he, she, or they are “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
- Requires excessive admiration
- Has a sense of entitlement (i.e. - unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations)
- Is interpersonally exploitative (i.e. - takes advantage of others to achieve their own ends)
- Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
- Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of them
- Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
It’s important to understand that this is a deeper issue than just occasional bad behavior. It's a consistent pattern of self-serving behavior with no regard for the harm they are causing others.
Imagine the classic telenovela villain – always plotting, scheming, and manipulating. But in real life, emotional manipulation isn't always that obvious. A narcissist can play the victim, guilt-trip you, gaslight, or make you doubt your own feelings and perceptions.
They know how to pull the strings, often making you feel like you're the one who is always to blame for their bad behavior. They are notorious for manipulating you with surgical precision, and no matter how many receipts you present, they will never take accountability for any of their behavior.
This is worth noting because the narcissist will make you feel like you’re losing your mind and that perhaps it actually is you who is the problem - it’s not you.
Remember this sage advice: "No todo lo que brilla es oro.” Just because someone comes across as charming doesn't always mean they have good intentions. Their charm is just another emotional manipulation tool in their narcissist toolbox. It’s disarming and very effective.
Emotional Manipulation and Latino Culture
In Latino culture, where family and relationships are deeply valued, there’s a unique vulnerability to emotional manipulation. Concepts like 'familia' and 'respeto' might sometimes make it harder to set boundaries or recognize manipulation, as it’s common for us to put others before ourselves.
- Machismo & Marianismo: Traditional gender roles can play into these dynamics. While 'machismo' demands dominance from men, 'marianismo' dictates that Latina women be submissive and sacrificial. A narcissist might exploit these norms to manipulate or control their partners.
- La Familia Above All: In many Latino families, there's an emphasis on maintaining family unity, even at personal costs. A narcissist might manipulate this sentiment, making it challenging for Latina women to distinguish between genuine concern and emotional control.
- Religion and Spirituality: Deep-rooted spiritual beliefs might be used against someone. A narcissistic partner may misuse religious teachings, portraying their manipulative actions as 'for the greater good' or for 'family's sake.'
The cultural focus on communal connections can sometimes mask or justify narcissistic behaviors. But it's essential to recognize that standing up for ourselves doesn't mean we're betraying our values. Saying, “I refuse to put up with this,” is the most self-respecting and self-loving thing to do, despite how incredibly difficult it feels.
Recognizing Emotional Manipulation
Emotional manipulation by a narcissist can be subtle, which is why it’s so dangerous. Oftentimes, you don’t even recognize that it’s happening. Some signs include:
- Gaslighting: Making you question your reality or memories. This can be particularly impactful for Latina women who already juggle between cultural worlds.
- Playing the Victim: They might twist stories so that they’re always the victim, pushing you into a caregiver or fixer role, which many Latinas might feel culturally compelled to adopt.
- Using Love as a Weapon: They might offer affection conditionally or withhold it to get what they want, manipulating the value of deep passion and love.
There’s a myriad of other emotional manipulation tactics they might use; all of which you can check out in detail here.
Protecting Yourself and Healing from a Narcissist
When it comes to safeguarding yourself, the journey kicks off with one pivotal aspect: awareness. It's all about recognizing that the norms we hold dear in our cultures can sometimes be twisted and misused. This realization forms the bedrock, but what follows are some down-to-earth tips that can really make a difference:
First up, education. Delving into what makes up Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) equips you to spot its signs early on. It's like having a secret weapon of insight.
Next, seeking support. Friends, family, or even groups of women who've walked similar paths, can be a beacon of light, helping you sort through your doubts and questions.
Then there's therapy, a space to navigate the labyrinth of emotions. A therapist, especially one who understands the nuances of our Latino background, can offer invaluable guidance in recovering from a narcissistic abuser. Many therapists agree that recovering from a relationship with a narcissist is one of the hardest types of relationships to recover from because the pain and confusion feel overwhelming. As noted, the behavior is hard to identify, and victims tend to blame themselves and continue to suffer long after the relationship is over.
Last but definitely not least, setting those boundaries. Setting boundaries isn’t just encouraged, it's important. Despite the weight of cultural expectations, standing up for your own well-being and drawing a line in the sand is a literal line of protection against further abuse.
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Social media post shared by myexisanarcissistandimadeitout on Instagram
Armed with these tools you have the power to avoid narcissistic abuse, or you may realize that you’re a victim of abuse and cutting off or minimizing your exposure is the only way out. As always, remember you're strong, capable, and worth more than what the narcissist has expertly made you believe.
The road to recovery can feel long, but eventually, you get to the other side and a newer, healthier you is awaiting your arrival.
