In The Community
Good Old Controlling Behavior
Photo by Max Ovcharenko on UnsplashOne of the earliest signs of an abusive partner is control. This can start small—insisting on knowing where you are all the time or wanting a say in who you spend time with—but can quickly escalate. If you feel like your freedom to make decisions is slowly being taken away, that’s a major red flag.
Does he get upset if you spend time with friends or family? Does he frequently check-in or expect constant updates? Does he even try to tell you what to wear or how to act? A healthy partner trusts you and respects your independence.
Jealousy Disguised as Love
Photo by Anthony Tran on UnsplashWhile a little jealousy is normal in relationships, intense or possessive jealousy is a red flag. Abusive partners often use jealousy as a way to control and isolate you, framing it as a sign of how much they care. This behavior can quickly become suffocating.
If he accuses you of flirting or cheating without reason, or if he tries to monitor your interactions with others, take it seriously. Jealousy shouldn’t be used to manipulate or control.
Quick, Intense Commitment a.k.a Love Bombing
Photo by Aleksi Partanen on UnsplashSome abusive men will try to rush the relationship, pushing for commitment very quickly. This could look like talking about moving in together, getting engaged, or even starting a family far too soon. This fast pace often leaves little room to really get to know each other, which can be a tactic to gain control over you before you have a chance to see his true colors.
If he’s pressuring you to take big steps early on or talks about how “you’re the only one who understands him,” pause and evaluate. Healthy relationships develop naturally over time, not from one day to the other.
Isolation from Friends and Family
Photo by David Fanuel on UnsplashAbusive men often try to isolate their partners from friends, family, and other support systems. This makes it easier for them to manipulate and control without outside influence. He may try to convince you that your loved ones don’t care about you or that only he truly understands you.
If he regularly discourages you from spending time with family or makes you feel guilty for wanting to see friends, that’s a serious red flag. Healthy partners encourage relationships outside the one you share.
Blaming Others for Problems or Mistakes
Photo by Paola Aguilar on UnsplashAn abusive man will rarely take responsibility for his own behavior, often blaming others—past partners, family, or even you—for his problems. He may even try to make you feel responsible for his outbursts or bad moods, placing blame on you for “making him act this way.”
If he constantly shifts blame and refuses to own up to his mistakes, be cautious. Accountability is a critical part of any healthy relationship.
Excessive Criticism or Insults, a.k.a Negging
Photo by Meghan Hessler on UnsplashVerbal abuse, like name-calling, insults, or put-downs, is a clear warning sign. Abusive men use criticism to lower their partner’s self-esteem and make them feel worthless, which can make it harder to leave the relationship. This abuse is often disguised as “jokes” or “constructive feedback,” and if the partner shares their discomfort with it, they are often accused of being “too sensitive” or “not being able to take a joke.”
While acceptable playful banter depends on the personalities of the couple, if the person you’re dating doesn’t respect your boundaries, they are probably also testing to see how far they can push and get away with. If he’s consistently making negative comments about your appearance, intelligence, or worth, even after you’ve expressed your discomfort with it, that’s a common form of emotional abuse, and it’s time to move on.
Unpredictable Mood Swings
Photo by Tom Caillarec on UnsplashAbusive men may display sudden mood swings, going from calm and kind to angry or aggressive without warning. This behavior keeps their partner on edge, never sure what might set them off. This tactic, sometimes called “walking on eggshells,” can lead to emotional exhaustion.
If his moods are intense and unpredictable, and you find yourself adjusting your behavior to avoid “setting him off,” pay attention. Emotional stability is important in any relationship, you shouldn’t be walking on eggshells because he lacks healthy emotional regulation skills.
Coercion or Pressure
Photo by Mattia on UnsplashCoercion can take many forms, from pushing you into intimacy to pressuring you to share personal information. Abusive men may guilt-trip or threaten to leave to get what they want, using pressure tactics to control the relationship and undermine your autonomy.
If he makes you feel guilty or afraid to say “no,” even if it’s small things like not being in the mood to go out, take note. A lack of respect for people’s boundaries isn’t something we should expect or tolerate from anyone.
Frequent Use of Manipulation Tactics
Photo by Arif Riyanto on UnsplashAbusive men often use manipulation to get what they want without direct confrontation. This can include gaslighting (making you doubt your memories or perceptions), guilt-tripping, or even twisting your words to make you feel responsible for things you didn’t do.
If you constantly feel confused, question your memory, or feel like you’re “going crazy,” these could be signs of manipulation. Trust your gut—if something feels off, it probably is.
Displays of Aggression or Violence
Photo by Sohaim Siddiquee on UnsplashThis may seem obvious, but it’s crucial to remember that even small acts of aggression can escalate. If he’s prone to hitting walls, throwing objects, or “jokingly” threatening violence, take these actions seriously. Physical abuse often starts with small, aggressive behaviors before intensifying over time.
If he uses aggression or intimidation in any form, don’t ignore it. Aggression is a major red flag and not something that will likely improve on its own.
If you're seeing any of these red flags, remember that you deserve to feel safe, valued, and respected in your relationships. Don’t ignore warning signs—your safety, happiness, and well-being should always come first. Trust yourself, lean on your support system, and know that help is available if you need it.
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He’s always talking about how nice he is
Photo by Jacqueline Munguía on UnsplashYou already know what we're going to say about this... A genuinely nice person doesn’t need to keep reminding you how nice they are. If he’s constantly saying, “I’m such a nice guy,” or constantly reminding you of the "nice things" he's always doing for you, it’s probably because he’s trying to convince you (and maybe himself). Nice people don't need to come out and say they're nice, they just let their behavior speak for them.
He expects to be rewarded for being a good human being
Photo by Mark Farías on UnsplashHave you ever noticed that he expects something in return every time he does something nice? Whether it’s a favor, a date, or even more, this is a major red flag. Nice deeds should come from the heart, not from a place of expecting something in return. If he's using his niceness as currency, girl, get away from that man.
He won’t take no for an answer
Photo by Monstera Production
When the “nice guy” doesn’t get what he wants, does he keep pushing? If he keeps asking you out or anything else even after you’ve said no, he’s not respecting your boundaries. A truly nice guy will respect your decisions instead of trying to pressure you into doing something you've already said you don't want to do. It's really that simple!
He’s passive-aggressive
Photo by Keira Burton
Does he sulk or get passive-aggressive when things don’t go his way? Maybe he gives you the silent treatment or makes snide remarks and hides them as “jokes.” Whatever the case may be, this kind of behavior is manipulative and very far from anyone’s idea of “nice.”
He talks badly about other women
Photo by Budgeron Bach
Pay attention to how the “nice guy” talks about other women, especially his exes. If he’s constantly badmouthing them and blaming them for everything, not only is it a sign he will talk about you that way eventually, but it's also a sign he doesn't respect women as much as he claims he does. If the nice guy is only kind to women he's interested in or "has a shot" with, he's not that nice, is he?
He’s good at playing the victim
Photo by Keira Burton
When things don’t go his way, does the “nice guy” act like the world is against him? Does he make you feel guilty for not catering to his every need? This manipulative tactic is designed to make you feel sorry for him and bend to his will. After all, he’s so nice, why doesn't he deserve everything he asks for?
He’s nice to get what he wants
Photo by Klaus Nielsen
When a “nice guy” is actually faking, it’s easy to notice a pattern: he’s only nice when he wants to get something out of it. Does he turn on the charm only when he wants something? Whether it’s getting you to do him a favor or trying to move the relationship forward faster than you’re comfortable with, this is a clear sign he’s not genuinely nice.
He can’t handle rejection
Photo by Timur Weber
When the fake nice guy is rejected, he doesn’t take it well. Whether he’s rejected by you or others, pay attention to how he reacts. Does he lash out and try to guilt-trip people? If so, he’s not an actual nice guy. Nice men handle rejection with grace and respect because they’re not entitled and understand that rejection is a normal part of life.
He tries to change you
Photo by Alison Leedham
Does he buy you gifts that don’t fit your style or make comments about how you should dress or behave under the guise of “giving you advice”? This isn’t generosity or niceness; it’s just an attempt to mold you into someone you’re not. A genuinely nice guy will like you for who you are, not for who he wants you to be.
He badmouths other men to make himself look good
Photo by Abbat on UnsplashIf the “nice guy” constantly puts others down to elevate himself, that’s a major red flag. This behavior is a sign of insecurity and a need for validation. Plus, a genuinely nice person uplifts people rather than tearing them down. If your “nice guy” is particularly critical of other men, especially men you’re friends with, when there’s no reason to be, he could be trying to make you doubt them as well.
Navigating the dating world can be tricky, but recognizing these signs can help you spot the “nice guy” who isn’t actually nice. Remember, a truly nice guy shows his kindness through respect, genuine actions, and understanding. Trust your instincts, and don’t settle for anything less than you deserve!
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Ghosting
Photo by Kelli McClintock on UnsplashImagine you’re having a great time with someone, texting every day, making plans, and then—bam—they disappear. No explanation, no goodbye. That’s ghosting. It’s basically ending a relationship by cutting off all communication out of the blue. People usually do this because they want to avoid the awkwardness of a breakup conversation. It’s a way to dodge responsibility, you know, like a coward. It leaves the ghosted person feeling confused and sometimes even hurt. It’s a jarring experience, but ultimately, they’re doing you a favor by taking themselves out of your life.
Benching
Photo by Chandler Langley on UnsplashBenching is when someone keeps you on the sidelines—like a backup plan. They text you just enough to keep you interested, but never enough to actually move things forward. Usually, this means that they’re not ready to commit to a relationship, but they also don’t want to let go of the possibility. In other words, it’s a selfish way of keeping their options open.
Breadcrumbing
Photo by Amadeus Moga on UnsplashBreadcrumbing is when someone leads you on with small, inconsistent bits of attention. They might flirt, send a late-night text, or make vague plans, but nothing ever really materializes. It’s similar to benching, but the difference is that, with breadcrumbing, they give you the bare minimum attention to make you think they’re interested. Why do people do this? Well, because they like the attention and they don’t mind playing with someone’s feelings to get it. You're not a bird, though, you need and deserve something more substantial than bread crumbs.
Situationship
Photo by Pavel Danilyuk
A situationship is like a relationship’s indecisive cousin. It’s when you’re more than just friends but not officially dating. So you’re in a romantic or sexual relationship, but it’s undefined and unclear where it’s headed. Situationships often come about when one or both people want to enjoy the perks of a relationship but without committing to it. It’s a way to keep things flexible, but it leaves room for misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
Stashing
Photo by Nellie Adamyan on UnsplashStashing is when someone is dating you but keeps you hidden from the important people in their life. They don’t introduce you to friends or family and avoid posting about you on social media. This can mean that the person isn’t serious about the relationship or they want to keep their options open. It means they don’t plan on being with you long-term or don’t see you as “the one.” If you’re in this kind of situation, remember: you deserve much better.
Zombieing
Photo by Aedrian Salazar on UnsplashJust when you thought they were gone for good, they rise from the dead—welcome to zombieing. This happens when someone who ghosted you suddenly reappears in your life, acting as if nothing happened. Zombies often come back because they’re curious if you’re still interested, or they want to see if they can still get your attention. It’s confusing and usually not worth your time.
Slow Fade
Photo by Kunj Parekh on UnsplashThe slow fade is ghosting’s sneakier sibling. Instead of disappearing all at once, they gradually pull away, reducing communication bit by bit until it eventually fades to nothing. People use the slow fade when they want to avoid confrontation but can’t bring themselves to ghost someone outright cause that’s too abrupt. It’s a way to end things quietly, hoping you’ll just get the hint, instead of having an actual conversation about it.
Fleabagging
Photo by Anthony Tran on UnsplashInspired by the TV show “Fleabag,” fleabagging is the habit of consistently choosing the wrong partners—people who are bad for you or who don’t align with your values and needs. If you find yourself fleabagging, it could mean that you have unresolved issues or are struggling with your self-esteem. People choose the partners they think they deserve, so if you’re consistently choosing the wrong person, it could be time to take a break from dating and sit down with yourself.
Kittenfishing
Photo by Mariana Montes de Oca on UnsplashYeah, this is a ridiculous-sounding term and it's basically a lighter, “cuter” version of catfishing. It’s when someone presents an exaggerated or slightly false version of themselves online, like using heavily filtered photos or stretching the truth about their interests or achievements. People kittenfish because they want to make the best possible first impression, but it’s still lying. There’s really nothing like being authentic and honest about who you are!
Mooning
Photo by Morgan Housel on UnsplashMooning is when someone uses the ‘Do Not Disturb’ feature on their phone to avoid someone’s calls or messages without actually blocking them. It’s a sneaky way to ignore someone while keeping the door slightly ajar. This is yet another way to distance themselves from someone without having to talk to them or explain why they’re not interested. It’s passive-aggressive and immature.
Orbiting
Photo by Zelch Csaba
Orbiting is when someone stops directly communicating with you but continues to engage with your social media—liking your posts, watching your stories—and keeping themselves in your orbit without any real interaction. Orbiters like to keep the connection alive without making any real effort, so they’re the masters of sending mixed signals. If someone makes you constantly wonder if they’re still interested, they might be orbiting you.
Modern dating terms can be confusing, but once you catch the drift, it gets easier to navigate things. Whether you’re dealing with ghosters, benchers, or breadcrumbers, the key is to recognize these behaviors and decide what you’re willing to tolerate. Remember, you deserve clear communication and respect in any relationship—don’t settle for anything less!
