In The Community
You have healthy boundaries
Photo by Aaron Burden on UnsplashPeople with secure attachment styles not only set healthy boundaries for themselves, but they also respect everyone else’s boundaries. If you’re like that, it means you’re comfortable saying “no” when you have to and you strive for autonomy and individuality, even if you feel like you’re part of a whole. Whether that’s a romantic relationship, friendship, or family bond, you don’t let anyone trample all over your boundaries. For Latinas, this can be particularly challenging because we’re taught to let everything slide when it comes to family members. In that environment, the importance of setting boundaries becomes clearer than ever.
You’ve built a solid social network
Photo by Joel Muniz on UnsplashSomeone with a secure attachment style is very successful at valuing and nurturing relationships. All kinds of relationships, not just romantic ones. That’s why they usually have solid social networks. Whether that’s 3 friends or a hundred, you enjoy your social life and can cultivate those relationships healthily. You give as much joy and support as you receive, and you don’t need incentives to show your people you care about them.
You trust the people around you
Photo by Julia Caesar on UnsplashTrust is a cornerstone of secure attachment. While jealousy can be a normal part of the human experience, a securely attached person won’t get lost in it. They trust that a commitment has been made unless there’s reason to doubt the other person. And if there’s reason to doubt, securely attached people will bring it up and have a conversation about it. They also strive to build stable foundations for their relationships, whether romantic or not. It’s all about mutual trust, isn’t it?
You’re very open with your communication
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Securely attached people are very good at communicating exactly what they need, want, and feel. They’re very comfortable with that and they’re also great at creating environments where other people can do the same. If you’re like this, you understand that communication is a two-way street and you do your best to keep your line open. This openness has allowed you to nurture strong relationships and intimate bonds. Not just with romantic partners, but also with friends and family.
You show authentic vulnerability
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Vulnerability requires courage, and a securely attached person isn't afraid to be open with the people they love and trust. They share their fears, insecurities, and deepest desires, creating a space for mutual honesty. This transparency leads to deeper connections and it allows everyone involved to be more supportive. If you’re like this, you’re probably called an “open book” more often than not!
You’ve dealt with your baggage
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There’s no denying that we all have a past and that past often comes with baggage. We can decide to carry that baggage with us the entire time and let it affect the way we relate to others. Or we can choose to deal with that baggage; confront it, learn what we need to learn, and then leave it behind. Securely attached people have done the latter and they’ve checked their baggage at the door. If you’re this way, it means you approach relationships with a clean slate and a positive outlook. You don’t hold new people accountable for the mistakes of past friends or partners. Doesn’t that feel wonderful?
You’re reliable and provide consistent security to others
Photo by Melissa Askew on UnsplashA securely attached person has a way of providing security to others. Whether it’s friends, partners, or family, people always know where you stand with them. You’re a consistent person whom people can rely on and this consistency means that they can always count on you. You can always count on them as well cause, as Latinos say, “Amor con amor se paga,” meaning “Love is paid with love.”
People feel like they can grow with you
Photo by Max Saeling on UnsplashSecurely attached people are eager to grow with people. If you’re in a relationship with someone, you want to grow as an individual, but also as a couple. You see your relationship as a journey that you’re traveling together. All the ups and downs of life are just opportunities to stand by each other. The same can apply to friendships and family relationships. This desire to grow both as a person and in the context of the relationship inspires others to do the same. That’s why you make people feel like they can also be better and that’s so rewarding, isn’t it?
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Growing up Latina, we often grow up in the shadows of certain behaviors, deeply ingrained and normalized due to the constant influence of machismo in our culture. These practices, inherited from generation to generation or sometimes even demonstrated within our own family dynamics, can begin to chip away at our mental wellbeing, often without us being consciously aware of their impact.
Have you ever felt uncomfortable after having a big fight with your partner, only for them to show up later with an over-the-top bouquet of roses? (Bonus points if it happens in a public place, that way, you won’t turn them down.) Or felt sad and betrayed after having a date you thought was successful, only to find your date has seemingly vanished from the face of the earth, never to be seen or heard from again?
In our increasingly individualistic society, emotional responsibility is often overlooked, but we’re slowly making our way toward bringing more and more awareness to it. And a crucial step in this journey is calling out harmful practices that belittle emotions and are potentially manipulative. Let's have a closer look:
Gaslighting
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Picture this: You find yourself in a situation where you point out something your partner did or said, only for them to vehemently deny it ever happened, despite your unmistakable memory of the event. Alternatively, if they acknowledge an event occurred, they might belittle your emotions by saying things like, "You're too sensitive," or shift the blame to you, saying that it’s you who misunderstood or misinterpreted the situation.
This psychological manipulation technique is now commonly referred to as gaslighting. It involves the perpetrator making you question your own sanity, experiences, and perception of reality. It’s a tactic often employed in abusive relationships to sow confusion, undermine your feelings and experiences, shift blame, and establish control over you.
To be clear, if this happens to you, you are not “crazy” as they often allege and make you feel. Once you identify you are dealing with a gaslighter, it’s best to try to keep your distance and establish healthy boundaries, or if possible, just cut the person off completely because a gaslighter rarely tends to take responsibility for their actions and the impact of those actions on those around them.
Lovebombing
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Have you ever found yourself in a sudden downpour of affection that felt overwhelming, too coincidental, or almost too good to be true? If so, you might have experienced lovebombing. Lovebombing is a technique in which someone showers you with an excessive amount of love and attention, either to compensate for their abusive behavior, to manipulate you into feeling guilty for receiving such affection and subsequently compelled to reciprocate it, or to prime you for a cycle of giving and withholding which they then use to emotionally manipulate you further.
The ultimate aim is to make you feel deeply indebted and dependent on them, to the point where you cannot imagine life without their presence. This tactic is often accompanied by periods of withholding or "ghosting" you, and, in some cases, even periods of abuse. All these elements are deliberately designed to keep you in a state of confusion, with your adrenaline constantly running, which can lead to an unhealthy emotional attachment.
Ghosting
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Ghosting is the art of disappearing without a trace, cutting off all communication without any prior indication. It's a phenomenon that, while initially tied to dating, has spread to friendships and even professional connections. While it may seem like an easy escape for the ghoster, who is someone who potentially lacks emotional responsibility or maturity, it often leaves the ghosted feeling disoriented and hurt.
Benching
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In dating lingo, benching refers to someone keeping you in their life but not fully committing, much like a sports player kept on the bench during a game. This can also lead you to get stuck in the dreaded “situationship.” It can feel like they're playing with your emotions, engaging with you just enough to keep your interest piqued, while they explore other options or hesitate to take things to the next level, meanwhile, you’re holding on, thinking that someday they will fully commit.
The person doing the benching may have an underlying fear of commitment, enjoying the attention but hesitant to fully invest emotionally. Some people simply thrive on the thrill of the chase and lose interest once they feel they've won the other person's attention. But always remember, relationships should be built on mutual respect and genuine interest, not on uncertainty and doubt.
Haunting
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Imagine this: The person who ghosted you suddenly starts appearing in your social media notifications. They don't make direct contact, but their sudden presence, liking an Instagram post here, reacting to a story there, makes them hard to ignore. Or your ex, the one who must not be named, who only resurfaces twice a year - once to wish you Merry Christmas and then once more to ask you to pass along birthday wishes to your mother on his behalf.
This behavior is commonly referred to as haunting, a low-effort attempt to reconnect that can evoke old feelings and create confusion. It’s similar to Zombieing, where they resurface from the dead, only in this case, they aren’t even putting in as much effort as a zombie which really says a whole lot.
Haunting's intermittent and unpredictable nature leads to an emotional rollercoaster, causing anxiety and unsettled feelings. It fosters false hope for reconciliation, only to disappoint when genuine efforts to rebuild the relationship don't materialize. This emotional tether to the past hinders moving on and finding closure. This is where leaving the dead permanently blocked really comes in handy.
Stealthing
Photo by cottonbro studio: https://www.pexels.com/photo/person-pulling-a-condom-out-of-a-pocket-6474007/
While stealthing is often mentioned alongside all these other dating terms, it’s important to mention it goes far beyond simple dating jargon and is, in fact, dangerous and physically abusive. Stealthing involves the non-consensual act of removing or tampering with a condom during sexual activity without the knowledge or agreement of the other person. Originally associated with cisgender men's actions during penetrative sex, the term now includes the non-consensual removal of any barrier during any sexual activity.
Stealthing profoundly damages relationships, shattering trust and consent. It leads to feelings of violation, shame, and powerlessness, with lasting emotional trauma. The risk of STIs and unintended pregnancies adds further strain.
Stealthing is not a slip-up or a minor inconvenience; it is a form of sexual assault that violates a person's boundaries, trust, and consent, and at least one state, California, has made it illegal to do it.
Emotional manipulation is ever-present and ever-evolving. Therefore, giving a name to these sneaky tactics, no matter how they sound, is always essential. Being able to identify when someone is behaving in a way that is manipulative and/or emotionally abusive is the first step in being able to then respond in a way that protects your well-being and mental health.
Now, at the time, it made perfect sense. Of course he’s bullying me because he likes me! Because “del odio al amor solo hay un paso,” everyone would say. And when I was younger, I would believe it. After all, every depiction of a romantic relationship I saw at the time seemed to confirm that a little bit of violence here and there was peak romanticism.
I remember watching the telenovela “Rebelde” and idolizing Mia Colucci and Miguel Arango’s relationship. It made me feel all fuzzy inside seeing them together. Since I’m a huge nostalgia junkie, I decided to go back and rewatch the entire thing again now that I’m 27. Needless to say, I was utterly impactada as I watched. What the heck, sis?! That dude literally tried to KILL YOU!
Miguel violently shakes and threatens to throw Mia off a cliff. Then, this doesn’t get addressed again for the entirety of the telenovela. Ok, cool.
Intrigued by the shocking revelations I was having by rewatching “Rebelde” and realizing Miguel is likely an undiagnosed sociopath or, at the very least, has some sort of psychological pathology going on, I began taking a closer look at all my teenage crushes, and it all started to make sense.
Ranging from possessive, manipulative douchebags that hide under the mask of being a “good guy” (I’m looking at you, Noah Calhoun from “The Notebook”) to gaslighting psychos that control your entire life and sneak into your room to watch you sleep without your consent (Edward Cullen from “Twilight” was in its own league, really), I realized I was doomed from the start if mainstream media for tweens like me at the time was my main source of information about the real world, which it totally was.
Conventionally attractive male characters who are controlling, jealous, or possessive are often depicted as “romantic” or “passionate” rather than abusive. At the same time, the women who are being mistreated may be shown as “putting up with it” for the sake of love. Add a bit of misinterpreted Catholicism into the mix with the idea that true love forgives and withstands everything and that, for some reason, it has to hurt, and we get a very distorted perception of what a healthy relationship looks like, which unknowingly led me to accept or excuse unhealthy behavior in my own relationships. It was all I ever saw.
Unequal power dynamics, where the man has control over a woman’s life in one way or another, like being their boss, teacher, a much older man, or someone with more money or influence than them, were painted as the ultimate love story. Take, for instance, Don Armando humiliating, abusing, and manipulating Beatriz Pinzón in “Yo Soy Betty, La Fea” only to end up with her, an outcome even the actor himself has said was absolutely wrong.
In reality, when one partner has more power than the other, they may use that power to control, manipulate, or dominate the other person. This inequality can quickly become physical, emotional, sexual, or financial abuse. Heck, the most blatant forms of abuse are even shown onscreen and STILL romanticized! In “Amor Real,” Manuel beats Matilde on more than one occasion, and they’re somehow still given a happy ever after. Are we going to address that or…? (TRIGGER WARNING)
Amor Real Manuel golpea a Matildewww.youtube.com
Trauma bonding is what happens when an individual becomes obsessed with their abuser, although it is never called that way or addressed at all in most depictions of abusive relationships. It's thought that being in a state of constant fear can result in an excessive release of opiates—a natural painkiller—in the brain. In turn, this state can cause feelings of euphoria or elation while also increasing endorphin production and decreasing adrenaline levels. As a result, victims may become so accustomed to their abuser's mistreatment that they develop a dependence on their continued presence in order to feel normal again. This is often confused with that wild, intense, passionate love we see onscreen. It's not love, it's trauma.
Considerable and often concerning age gaps were also heavily romanticized and supported by the fallacy that “women mature faster than men” to make it seem less creepy. I mean, no one batted an eye when Vivian Ward ended up with Edward Lewis, who is 18 years her senior, in “Pretty Woman.” And I could go on endlessly about the Hollywood age gap. These depictions can create a societal expectation that such relationships are normal and acceptable. They make it difficult for women in these types of relationships to recognize that there may be power imbalances at play. As Demi Lovato said in one of her latest songs:
“Thought it was a teenage dream, a fantasy.
But it was yours, it wasn’t mine.
Seventeen, twenty-nine.”
Unfortunately, after years of being brainwashed into watering myself down to cater to a male fantasy of an "ideal woman," I found out that abuse is not at all romantic the hard way; the way many women do, and some don’t even make it out alive. These skewed ideas of what love or passion looks like have taken years to unlearn, and despite making progress as a society toward identifying and calling out this toxic behavior, some of the most iconic onscreen couples still follow this harmful blueprint of abuse, Nate Jacobs and Maddy Pérez from “Euphoria” being the first that comes to mind.
It is essential to be critical of the media we consume and to remember that media portrayals of relationships are not always reflective of real-life relationships. Healthy relationships should be based on mutual respect, trust, and open communication. If you or someone you know is in a toxic relationship, it’s important to seek help and support. This can include talking to a therapist or counselor, reaching out to a domestic violence hotline (but let’s remember that not all abusive behavior is physically violent), or confiding in your closest friends or family members.
Just remember that you deserve to be in a healthy and happy relationship and that help is always available.
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