The Reasons Why Survivors of Domestic Violence Don't “Just Leave”

Image of a woman sitting on the couch with a thoughtful expression
Luz Media

When it comes to domestic abuse, victims are often faced with the same unhelpful and hurtful questions: why didn't you just leave? It's a form of victim-blaming that shifts the blame onto the wrong person, and it's incredibly damaging and harmful.

The truth is, leaving an abuser isn't as simple as it may seem.


Everyone's situation is unique, and the reasons why someone stays in an abusive relationship are complex and varied. But let's be clear - the victim should never be blamed for the abuse they have suffered.

That being said, there are certain motives that are common among victims, and they can help explain why breaking free from the cycle of violence is so difficult:

Fear of Retaliation

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence reports that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men have experienced severe physical violence, such as beating, burning, or strangling, from an intimate partner at some point in their lives. Additionally, according to NCBI, domestic violence is responsible for over 1500 deaths in the United States every year.

Abusers are dangerous and unpredictable. It's natural for victims to fear for their safety and worry that speaking out or seeking help could lead to their death. Often, abusers use the threat of murder to maintain control over their victims. These statistics highlight the harsh reality that victims face, and it's not just about the numbers. When it comes down to it, humans will do whatever it takes to survive.

Financial Dependency and Isolation

A crucial aspect of domestic abuse is the abuser's narcissistic manipulative behavior. Victims often find themselves trapped in a cycle of violence because the abuser exerts complete control over their lives. One tactic is to isolate the victim from their family and friends, making it almost impossible for them to leave the abusive relationship.

In some cases, the abuser is also the primary source of income, using this as yet another manipulation technique called financial abuse. The victim may feel threatened with losing their home or going hungry, especially if there are children involved. Vulnerable individuals such as children or elderly persons may depend entirely on the abuser to meet their basic needs.

Stockholm Syndrome

Stockholm Syndrome is a psychological condition that can develop in people who are held captive and abused by their captors. Essentially, the victim starts to form a bond or even sympathy towards the abuser, oftentimes because they believe it will lead to less harm and kind treatment. This is especially common in children who are being abused by a parent or guardian figure who they should be able to trust and rely on for protection.

The syndrome can also cause the victim to develop negative feelings towards those who are trying to rescue them. While the research on Stockholm syndrome is still ongoing, experts believe that this could be a survival and coping mechanism that develops after being in an incredibly frightening situation. This phenomenon highlights the deep psychological effects of abuse and captivity.

Familiarity becomes a comfort for abuse victims

It's not uncommon for victims of abuse to be in a relationship with someone they trust or love, whether it's a partner, spouse, parent, or another close figure in their life. This person is often responsible for meeting their basic needs for survival, which can make it incredibly difficult for the victim to remove themselves from the situation.

When the thought of leaving does come up, it's natural for uncertainty to arise. Victims may worry about what will happen next and whether they'll be able to cope without the abuser. After all, this person may be all they've ever known and relied on, which can make the idea of leaving feel even more daunting.

Grooming

Grooming is a predatory tactic that can be used by abusers to establish control over their victims. It often starts with subtle signs of affection and attention, gradually escalating to more intense displays of love and devotion. In some cases, the abuser may even seem to be the perfect partner, catering to the victim's every need and showering them with gifts and attention.

The purpose of grooming is to establish a deep emotional connection between the abuser and the victim. By doing so, the abuser can manipulate and control their victim more easily. The victim may feel trapped in the relationship, believing that they have no other option but to stay with the abuser. The abuser may also use the victim's feelings of love and loyalty to keep them quiet about the abuse, warning them that no one else would love them as much as they do.

Grooming can take many different forms, and it can be difficult for the victim to recognize what is happening. They may believe that the abuser truly cares for them and that the abuse is just a temporary setback in an otherwise loving relationship. However, the reality is that grooming is a calculated tactic that abusers use to establish control over their victims.

Social and Cultural Barriers

The plight of Latinas in the US who are victims of domestic abuse cannot be ignored. The statistics, such as those from Esperanza United's research, are alarming: about 1 in 3 Latinas will fall victim to intimate partner violence at some point in their lives. The obstacles that they must surmount to seek help are no less intimidating, compounding the trauma and sense of isolation they may already be experiencing.

Language barriers, lack of legal documentation, fear of deportation, limited access to resources, and cultural beliefs that prioritize family unity and loyalty all contribute to the challenges that Latina victims of domestic abuse face. Additionally, there is the very real fear of being ostracized by their community, which can make it incredibly difficult for them to report the abuse or seek medical and legal assistance. All of these challenges combine to create a daunting road to recovery and healing for survivors.

The issue of domestic abuse is multifaceted, and there is no single reason why victims may stay in an abusive relationship. However, it is important to understand that the victim is never to blame for the abuse they endure. It is the abuser who is responsible for their actions, and it is up to society to hold them accountable for their behavior.

Instead of questioning the victim's choices or actions, it's crucial that we shift our focus to the abuser and why they feel entitled to use violence as a means of control. We must work to create a culture that supports and empowers victims of abuse, providing them with resources, and helping them to break free from the cycle of violence.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, help is available. You are not alone. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 to provide confidential support, resources, and information. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit their website to chat online with a trained advocate.

This Viral Video Game Is Changing the Face of Voter Outreach

In 2024, voting campaigns have evolved greatly, to say the least. Creativity is now the name of the game and tongue-in-cheek humor is expertly leveraged to drive action. One example of that is Bop the Bigot, a revival of a viral game created in 2016 by Bazta Arpaio, an Arizona activist group, as part of a campaign to unseat Maricopa County’s Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Arpaio lost his re-election to Paul Penzone that year.

The game has now been updated for the current election cycle and relaunched by On Point Studios, with new features added to enable players to find out what’s on their ballot, confirm voter status, and register to vote.

Much like its former 2016 version, the game allows users to take out their political frustrations by virtually “bopping” GOP candidates in the head. It’s very similar to whack-a-mole, except the mole is replaced by former President Donald Trump, Ohio’s Senator J. D. Vance, and Kevin Roberts, President of the Heritage Foundation, which is spearheading Project 2025.

cartoon renditions of Donald Trump and J.D. Vance around a Bop the Bigot logoPromotional image provided by On Point Studios.

B. Loewe, Director of On Point Studios, came up with the concept for this game when working as the Communications Director at Bazta Arpaio in 2016, and is the executive producer of this revamped version. In the first version of the game, Bop the Bigot players used a chancla (flip flop) to “bop” the characters, tapping into Latino culture by leaning on the childhood experience of being set right by a flying chancla from a fed-up mother or grandmother.

This year, the chancla is replaced by a more current element, a green coconut, referencing Kamala Harris’ coconut tree meme. There are also side characters like “the couch,” cat ladies, and more coconuts. All references to jokes about Vice-Presidential candidate Vance, or insults Vance has made about women on the campaign trail.

Another new addition is that Harris’ laugh is immortalized as the game-over sound effect, an unexpected detail that adds even more humor and levity to the game.

cartoon renditions of Donald Trump, Kevin Roberts, and J.D. Vance around a Bop the Bigot logoPromotional image provided by On Point Studios.

Bop the Bigot, which is playable on desktop and mobile, is intended not just as a way to vent political frustrations, but also as a tool for activism and securing voter engagement.

For example, the game supports the work of Mexican Neidi Dominguez Zamorano, Founding Executive Director of the non-profit organization Organized Power in Numbers by using the “game over” screen to prompt players to donate to it and support their efforts.

Organized Power in Numbers is focused on empowering workers in the South and Southwest of the U.S. through collective action and comprehensive campaigns. Their mission is to create a large-scale movement that challenges the status quo and advocates for workers' rights, and racial and economic justice.

Currently, Dominguez Zamorano is leading worker outreach to 2 million working-class voters in the South and Southwest through doorknocking, texting, and calls with the help of local groups in North Carolina, Arizona, New Mexico, and more.

“We have been blown away by the enthusiastic reception for the video game. We knew we wanted to be part of its creative approach because our movement needs more fun and laughter. We need more ways to connect with nuestra gente so we can feel joy among all the absurdity we witness every day,” Dominguez Zamorano shared with Luz Media via email.

“Our people are gente trabajadora and we deserve to feel uplifted even in our toughest moments. We are deeply involved in the South and Southwest so we know what’s at stake in this election and we’re happy this can be a resource to mobilize, raise spirits, and get out the vote," she concluded.

Dominguez Zamorano is a committed activist for immigrants and workers' rights, known for her strategist skills and expertise. She played a key role in the campaign to win DACA and has also held roles in major campaigns, including as Deputy National States Director for Bernie Sanders' 2020 presidential campaign. In addition to her work with Organized Power in Numbers, Dominguez Zamorano is serving as a Senior Advisor to Mijente’s Fuera Trump Initiative.

Grassroots efforts like these have taken on new life in 2024, with Bop the Bigot adding to the larger, ongoing fight against political apathy and disinformation. Just as it did during the 2016 race, the video game uses humor to soften the serious task at hand—getting people to the polls.

"We want the game to be a fun and comical outlet for anyone who’s been insulted, frustrated, or harmed by Trump in the past and everyone who is ready to move forward as a country after election day," explained Loewe in a press release. "The proposals in Project 2025 and the beliefs of Trump and Vance aren’t just weird, they’re truly harmful. We wanted to give people a humorous and peaceful way to smack down their racism and sexism. We hope it makes people laugh and also feel empowered and motivated to get to the polls on or before election day."

With a mix of satire, sharp political critique, and nostalgia, the game is a call to action. The upcoming election, which is getting closer by the minute, has sparked fierce activism and creative yet grounded initiatives like these aim to ensure voters are engaged, especially young Latinos and disenfranchised groups.

hands holding up yellow protest signs that say Hands Off Our Bodies
Photo Credit: Gayatri Malhotra via Unsplash

Originally published in Common Dreams. Reprinted with permission.

The Latino electorate will prove decisive in securing reproductive freedom and abortion access through ballot measures around the country, particularly in states where Latinos are a significant portion of the electorate.

In November, abortion rights measures will appear on ballots across ten states, including Arizona, Colorado, Florida, Nevada, and New York, where Latinos make up a significant portion of the electorate. For decades, pundits and politicians have recycled long-held misconceptions about Latino voters and abortion access, citing our conservative and religious beliefs.

Anti-abortion extremists have long fueled these misconceptions through misinformation and disinformation campaigns targeting Latino communities with egregious lies and inflammatory rhetoric about abortion. Yet, polling, focus groups, and direct interactions with Latino communities have debunked these outdated tropes.

The Latino electorate will prove decisive in securing reproductive freedom and abortion access through ballot measures around the country, particularly in states where Latinos are a significant portion of the electorate.

For Latinos, the freedom to decide, a pillar of our American democracy, is critical. Meanwhile, Latinos are being hit directly with anti-abortion efforts that take away that freedom such as the six-week abortion ban put into effect by the Florida Supreme Court and the 1864 abortion ban upheld by the Arizona Supreme Court. In the wake of the Dobbs decision, people of color and Latinas have felt the impact of a lack of abortion access, an element of basic healthcare.

A 2023 report by the National Partnership for Women and Families estimated that nearly 6.5 million Latinas, or 42% of all Latinas of reproductive age in the country, live in a state that either had or was likely to ban abortion. Ironically, it will be abortion access and anti-choice efforts to restrict freedom of choice that will mobilize Latino voters this election.

In a poll conducted by three national reproductive justice organizations, 87% of Latinas named abortion and women’s rights as one of their top priorities as they head to the polls. Another battleground poll conducted by Somos PAC and BSP Research found that 61% of Latino registered voters expressed a more positive/favorable view of Kamala Harris after hearing that she will protect abortion rights, versus only 19% of Latinos who said they had a more negative view of Harris after hearing that.

In key states to secure the White House and both chambers, Latinos make up large chunks of the electorate: Arizona (25%), Colorado (15%), Florida (20%), Nevada (20%), and New York (12%). In the face of unprecedented attacks on basic healthcare access and targeted attempts by extremists to mislead and divide our community on this issue, this November Latinos will be key deciders on abortion access across the country.

Mari Urbina, Managing Director of Indivisible, Battleground Arizona Lead and former Harry Reid advisor.

Héctor Sánchez Barba is president and CEO of Mi Familia Vota (MFV).