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We’re often told that working hard should be a priority, a sentiment deeply ingrained in many Latino households. For immigrants and children of immigrants, hard work often represents the path to breaking generational cycles of economic instability. However, Daisy Auger-Domínguez’s book “Burnt Out to Lit Up: How to Reignite the Joy of Leading People” reminds us that the relentless pursuit of success can come at a steep cost: our health, identity, and sense of fulfillment.
Dominican-Puerto Rican Auger-Domínguez is a seasoned executive and workplace strategist known for leading transformative change in organizations across industries. With a career spanning roles at global giants like Google, Disney, Time Warner, and VICE Media, she has established herself as a thought leader in inclusion, leadership, and workforce well-being.
In her book, “Burnt Out to Lit Up,” she addresses the critical challenge of burnout. Written for managers and leaders (and those aspiring to leadership positions) navigating the complexities of modern workplaces, it provides a roadmap to overcome complacency, set boundaries, improve communication, and foster trust-filled environments. The intention behind the book is clear: to promote sustainable practices and self-care, and empower leaders to create positive, productive workplaces where both individuals and organizations can thrive.
No matter the circumstances, if you don’t prioritize yourself, any success achieved will likely feel hollow. The following signs might indicate burnout and signal that it’s time to reassess your goals and embrace self-care:
Your Body is Telling You
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Mental exhaustion often manifests physically. Stress-related illnesses—headaches, insomnia, and chronic fatigue—are all red flags. They’re your body’s way of telling you that your stress levels are off the charts. As Auger-Domínguez explains in the first chapter of her book:
“Sustained stress, or chronic stress, is when your mind and body are in a never-ending tug-of-war, stretched to their limits. According to the American Psychological Association, it’s the kind of tension that just won’t quit, thanks to ongoing stressors like work dramas, financial troubles, relationship rollercoasters, health upheavals, or even environmental shenanigans. And guess what? Chronic stress isn’t just a minor inconvenience; it’s the sneakily harmful troublemaker that messes with your mental and physical well-being.”
Chronic stress depletes not only your physical energy but also your emotional reserves. When left unchecked, it can lead to a variety of physical and mental health issues. Listening to your body and making rest a priority isn’t just advisable, it’s essential to your well-being.
You've Lost Passion for your Work
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Not everyone has the privilege of doing work they’re passionate about, but for those who do, burnout can be easier to detect. If something you once loved feels like an unbearable chore, it’s time to reconsider your path. Auger-Domínguez emphasizes that leaders, in particular, must reconnect with their purpose to reignite their passion. She also advocates for a reframing of inner narratives, which is about questioning preconceptions and replacing disempowering thoughts with empowering ones. Auger-Domínguez explains this in an interview with Thrive Global:
“One transformative practice is about reframing our inner narratives. So often, our reactions and decisions are guided by scripts written in our earlier life chapters—scripts that no longer serve us. By stepping back and questioning these preconceptions; we can begin to dismantle the barriers they create. It’s about transforming our internal dialogue, recognizing our past’s influence, and consciously choosing a narrative that empowers and enriches our interactions, particularly in leadership.”
The practice of reframing inner narratives is a central part of her approach, which is why she shares a script at the end of every chapter in her book to help readers integrate the lessons in a way that serves them.
Your Work-Life Balance is Becoming Non-Existent
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A job shouldn't be your whole life; it should only be a part of it. If you find yourself completely consumed by your work, to the point where your personal life is affected, there's something wrong. Burnout is unavoidable without a work-life balance and is essential to a healthy work environment.
Auger-Domínguez is intimately familiar with this. In Chapter 1 of her book, she discusses her own experience with burnout and explains that her inability to establish healthy boundaries due to a history of prioritizing the needs of others was a big factor. Understanding this, you should prioritize having free time that’s genuinely free to spend however you like. Whether that’s spending time with friends and family to recharge or dedicating time to your hobbies.
You Feel Undervalued or Unfulfilled
Photo by Max Ovcharenko on UnsplashIf you often ask yourself, what am I even doing this for? And if you can't find an answer, it's probably time to reconsider your goals. Working hard will get you nowhere if you've lost sense of what your end goal is, and the thing is, it is normal for our end goals to change constantly. Just because you desperately wanted something before doesn't mean you can't change your mind.
Once that mindset shift happens, we often try to convince ourselves to just power through it and keep going, but we could also use those feelings to ask ourselves, is this really what I want to be doing? Furthermore, you might feel like it isn't you that's the problem, but how those around you perceive your work, being upset because you feel undervalued, is perfectly reasonable and also calls for a goal realignment.
You're Not Yourself Anymore
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And living your best life is what you deserve. If the path to your goals has become a burden instead of a hard road, losing track of who you are and what you want to achieve is easy. But at the end of the day, your life is yours only, and if you don't make yourself a priority, who will?
Burnout doesn’t happen overnight, and reversing it takes time and intentionality. While Auger-Domínguez writes about leadership, this book is aimed not only at people in positions of leadership but also at those who aspire to those positions. In an interview with The Epic Mentor Newsletter, she shared:
“I often get asked, your books are about leadership, but what about those who aren't leading yet? I feel like this book is a blueprint for those who aspire to lead someday. For this younger generation, and I speak about it in the book, burnout doesn't just start at work. For most of us, it starts in our childhood.”
By taking care of yourself, you’re not just improving your life, you’re paving the way for others to do the same. At the end of the day, hard work is essential, but it will never outweigh the importance of your mental health, stability, and personal life. For more resources on self-care and overcoming burnout, visit our mental health and resources guide. Remember, you’re never alone, and it’s okay to prioritize yourself.
What is self-intimacy?
Normally when we think of intimacy, we think of relationships with partners or sex. Self-intimacy can take the form of many things, but we’re viewing it as a form of radical self-care to reflect on your inner thoughts and emotions regarding who you are and the joy you feel about where you are in life.
Self-intimacy can be painful, as it requires taking the time to become more aware of your feelings and taking part in acts of service to care about those feelings. It’s not easy because it requires you to face your demons and challenge the unhealthy behaviors you might use as a coping mechanism for the things that don’t bring you joy in life.
Investing in self-intimacy is important to be able to understand your relationship with yourself and also with the people and things around you. It’s an important part of being a partner since it helps you learn more about yourself and express your findings with your loved ones.
Becoming comfortable with feeling how you feel enables you to tap into those reservoirs of self-love you might not even be aware you’re capable of having. No, this doesn’t mean becoming obsessed with yourself (although, why not?), but rather being able to recognize your own emotions and act in service of those emotions to make yourself happy. This includes taking a step back to assess a situation and your feelings towards it before reacting, enabling you to do better and be better in relation to yourself as well as others.
Mila Kunis GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyIt also means recognizing toxic patterns of behavior and implementing acts to break them, as well as setting boundaries within relationships. Ask yourself questions such as “Do I enjoy being with these people?” and “Am I allowing myself to really connect with others to be treated the way I’d like to be treated?” These might be hard to confront but ultimately result in your understanding of the love you deserve and accept into your life. Knowing you’re worthy of quality love enables you to attract it in all aspects.
Being vulnerable with yourself allows you to be more vulnerable with others. Being honest with yourself will allow you to be more honest with others. Meditate on questions centered around your solitude – do you like being alone? Are you comfortable with it? Are you empowered by your own presence? If not, you could be having issues spending time with yourself, which is always a no-go. Feeling comfortable alone without feeling lonely is an empowering emotion that only enables you to value the company of others even more.
Self-intimacy also allows you to learn more about what empowers you and makes you feel like a confident, sexy person. Sexy meaning being someone that excites you and arouses all the right parts of you – you really can do all bad by yourself, we promise! Confidence like this will allow you to discover your true sexual energy and what you like.
In short, self-intimacy is sitting with yourself to know more about who you are. Understanding that you’re worthy of love, worthy of knowing yourself to be better, feeling confident, and discovering your sexual energy are all worth looking into! You got this, mija!
Treat Yourself Donna Meagle GIF by Parks and Recreation - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyHow can I practice self-intimacy in my day-to-day?
Ready to nurture and pamper your inner self every day? Here's your essential checklist to keep handy:
- Redefine Intimacy: Think beyond romance. Picture self-intimacy as a transformative journey of self-discovery, shedding light on your inner world.
- Embrace the Emotional Workout: Like spring cleaning for the soul, sort through your feelings. Keep the joy, toss the junk.
- Invest in Your Inner World: It’s emotional homework that pays off big time. The better you know yourself, the richer your connections with others become.
- Own Your Emotions: Understand and navigate life from a space of clarity. Pause, reflect, and act with intention.
- Break Self-Sabotage: Identify patterns that hold you back. Do you vibe with your circle? Are you settling for less than you deserve?
- Ask the Tough Questions: Dive deep. Ponder about solitude – is it comforting or unnerving? Find peace in your own company to deepen connections with others.
- Raw & Real = Golden: Honesty with yourself is a direct path to forming genuine connections with others.
- Find Your Sexy: No, not just that kind. The confidence, the energy, the magnetic pull that says you’re the lead in your life’s story.
- Discover the Joy of Solitude: Recognize the beauty of being content in your own company. That peace makes shared moments even more special.
- Celebrate Yourself: At the end of the day, self-intimacy is about realizing you’re kind of a big deal. Dive in, and discover the magic that’s uniquely you. Cheers to the journey!
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Here's the thing, there's a big difference between the two and it’s important to be able to distinguish between rude and even selfish behavior and narcissistic abuse. We can get over rudeness, but narcissistic abuse can cause long-term harm that can be difficult to recover from and leave us forever changed.
What is Emotional Manipulation in Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
Emotional manipulation is the narcissist’s primary weapon. We've all met the occasional jerk - someone who might be blunt, insensitive, or even obnoxious. They might not care much about your feelings or needs at the moment, but that doesn't necessarily make them narcissists. A jerk can have a bad day, be unaware of their behavior, or simply lack some social graces.
A narcissist, on the other hand, is someone who meets at least five of the nine criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
The DSM-5 states that in order to be clinically diagnosed with NPD, a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and that present in a variety of contexts, must be shown by at least five of the following:
- Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g. - exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
- Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- Believes that he, she, or they are “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
- Requires excessive admiration
- Has a sense of entitlement (i.e. - unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations)
- Is interpersonally exploitative (i.e. - takes advantage of others to achieve their own ends)
- Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
- Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of them
- Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
It’s important to understand that this is a deeper issue than just occasional bad behavior. It's a consistent pattern of self-serving behavior with no regard for the harm they are causing others.
Imagine the classic telenovela villain – always plotting, scheming, and manipulating. But in real life, emotional manipulation isn't always that obvious. A narcissist can play the victim, guilt-trip you, gaslight, or make you doubt your own feelings and perceptions.
They know how to pull the strings, often making you feel like you're the one who is always to blame for their bad behavior. They are notorious for manipulating you with surgical precision, and no matter how many receipts you present, they will never take accountability for any of their behavior.
This is worth noting because the narcissist will make you feel like you’re losing your mind and that perhaps it actually is you who is the problem - it’s not you.
Remember this sage advice: "No todo lo que brilla es oro.” Just because someone comes across as charming doesn't always mean they have good intentions. Their charm is just another emotional manipulation tool in their narcissist toolbox. It’s disarming and very effective.
Emotional Manipulation and Latino Culture
In Latino culture, where family and relationships are deeply valued, there’s a unique vulnerability to emotional manipulation. Concepts like 'familia' and 'respeto' might sometimes make it harder to set boundaries or recognize manipulation, as it’s common for us to put others before ourselves.
- Machismo & Marianismo: Traditional gender roles can play into these dynamics. While 'machismo' demands dominance from men, 'marianismo' dictates that Latina women be submissive and sacrificial. A narcissist might exploit these norms to manipulate or control their partners.
- La Familia Above All: In many Latino families, there's an emphasis on maintaining family unity, even at personal costs. A narcissist might manipulate this sentiment, making it challenging for Latina women to distinguish between genuine concern and emotional control.
- Religion and Spirituality: Deep-rooted spiritual beliefs might be used against someone. A narcissistic partner may misuse religious teachings, portraying their manipulative actions as 'for the greater good' or for 'family's sake.'
The cultural focus on communal connections can sometimes mask or justify narcissistic behaviors. But it's essential to recognize that standing up for ourselves doesn't mean we're betraying our values. Saying, “I refuse to put up with this,” is the most self-respecting and self-loving thing to do, despite how incredibly difficult it feels.
Recognizing Emotional Manipulation
Emotional manipulation by a narcissist can be subtle, which is why it’s so dangerous. Oftentimes, you don’t even recognize that it’s happening. Some signs include:
- Gaslighting: Making you question your reality or memories. This can be particularly impactful for Latina women who already juggle between cultural worlds.
- Playing the Victim: They might twist stories so that they’re always the victim, pushing you into a caregiver or fixer role, which many Latinas might feel culturally compelled to adopt.
- Using Love as a Weapon: They might offer affection conditionally or withhold it to get what they want, manipulating the value of deep passion and love.
There’s a myriad of other emotional manipulation tactics they might use; all of which you can check out in detail here.
Protecting Yourself and Healing from a Narcissist
When it comes to safeguarding yourself, the journey kicks off with one pivotal aspect: awareness. It's all about recognizing that the norms we hold dear in our cultures can sometimes be twisted and misused. This realization forms the bedrock, but what follows are some down-to-earth tips that can really make a difference:
First up, education. Delving into what makes up Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) equips you to spot its signs early on. It's like having a secret weapon of insight.
Next, seeking support. Friends, family, or even groups of women who've walked similar paths, can be a beacon of light, helping you sort through your doubts and questions.
Then there's therapy, a space to navigate the labyrinth of emotions. A therapist, especially one who understands the nuances of our Latino background, can offer invaluable guidance in recovering from a narcissistic abuser. Many therapists agree that recovering from a relationship with a narcissist is one of the hardest types of relationships to recover from because the pain and confusion feel overwhelming. As noted, the behavior is hard to identify, and victims tend to blame themselves and continue to suffer long after the relationship is over.
Last but definitely not least, setting those boundaries. Setting boundaries isn’t just encouraged, it's important. Despite the weight of cultural expectations, standing up for your own well-being and drawing a line in the sand is a literal line of protection against further abuse.
Social media post shared by myexisanarcissistandimadeitout on Instagram
Social media post shared by myexisanarcissistandimadeitout on Instagram
Armed with these tools you have the power to avoid narcissistic abuse, or you may realize that you’re a victim of abuse and cutting off or minimizing your exposure is the only way out. As always, remember you're strong, capable, and worth more than what the narcissist has expertly made you believe.
The road to recovery can feel long, but eventually, you get to the other side and a newer, healthier you is awaiting your arrival.
